Adui. my timeline is just full of MAMA right now.

MENSTRUAL CRAMPS WHAI I HATE YOU I FEEL LIKE A WHALE I DON'T WANT TO EAT BUT UGHI FEEL AWFUL IS THAT  WHY I'VE BEEN SO EMOTIONAL THE PAST WEEK WHAIII.

K. BYE.

Wallflower.

Compromising is easier said than done, but when you've pretty much spent your entire teenhood letting people have their way, it does become mind-numbingly easy.

Let them be happy. They'd be perfect. Ohh, let me lock you both in a room, you're so precious. Here, let me throw you an anniversary party! You want my what? Sure, take it. Be happy, you two. I love you both!

Don't get me wrong, I don't say it with gritted teeth or clenched fists either. Surprisingly, I'm genuinely happy when someone I care about finds someone who makes them happy. More than I could ever do. It's pleasant to see someone with that much gravity in your life smile at the sight of That Certain Someone Else. To see them walking together, hands held, lips curved into the warmest smile you'd ever see on their faces. You'll smile too, of course. It's the clearest form of  "I'll be happy if you are."

I just find myself wishing I was That Certain Someone Else more often than I'd like to admit sometimes.

You'd find yourself analyzing what's lacking in you instead. Am I not smart pretty nice enough? Is it cos' I talk too much? But I can't be quiet! Or am I too boring? Too wild of an imagination? I'm thinking toooo too much! Does she have bigger rack? Less scarred legs? Omg it's a race thing, isn't it? 

(I'm not kidding, this is so glaringly possible, it hurts)
I am such an over-analyzing girly witch monster ._.

But yeahh. Compromise. Hold those thoughts in, be happy for them instead. Two people are happy, that's all that matters.

(2 weeks later)

I suppose I could've been more honest. "I like you. I hope you do too. We spent Valentine's Day together! Wasn't that an indication?"  instead of  "That's nice. I hope you're happy with her."

or

"I'm sick of hearing your complaints. I'm right here, can't you see that?"


But this is only happening in my mind. ;)

For now, I'm just going to enjoy being "That Cool Friend".

I think I have a type. The Emotionally Unavailable Type.

Okay, I'm just gonna go laugh at my life and eat nao. Kthxbye!

Bad Luck Ezri.

Now Playing : Phantogram - Don't Move


I literally spent half my day sleeping like a pig. Achievement unlocked : I am an absolute bum. But instead of waking up and being productive like the rest of the world, I decided to wallow in self pity because I woke up not knowing what to feel, so I just resorted to feeling depressed the whole day instead.

:\
I'm not joking.

My preexisting one-shot depression was further worsened by my parents being too busy to talk to me (Damn sad one okay), my friends not replying me, another friend too busy to talk, and my I-Wish-You-Were-My-Brother-Too-Cos'-You'll-Call-Me-Out-On-My-Bullshit-and-I'd-Love-You-For-That friend not replying my "Hiiiiiiiii. how are you? :)" text. I don't remember actively pissing anyone off these past few weeks but if I did, I'm honestly sorry.

In his words: it sucks to be me, sometimes.

I figured the only way to battle my anxiety for today (although really, you should just call it the Bella Swan Syndrome instead. Spineless, over-dependent freak.) was to read up on my Korean and memorize 4 dialogues. No hyperboles there, Jinny 선생님 wants us to memorize 4 dialogues for our oral test, she's gonna choose one at random and make us recite it with a partner. An ORAL PARTNER. Yeah. Okay. Tell me that didn't make you grin, I dare you :D 

Brownie points, he's so cute! 

But back to the topic of little ol' me being a whiny depressed bitch for the day, memorizing a foreign language didn't help because more often than not, I found myself listening to If Only I and bawling my corneas out instead. At one point, I just stuck in my headphones, sat at the balcony and sobbed until I realized there was someone in the opposite block looking directly at me. Awkwardturtle level : Squirtle.

I did reach somewhat of an epiphany though. Perhaps I'll write it down here if I ever do get pass 3 days without being a spineslesslesslessslessssss creep. In short, embrace whatever it is that's killing you. Die in the process of living and maybe you won't feel it paralyzing you slowly. 

Morbidity EPIK WIN!

On a brighter note, my socio lecturer left this on my paper. Made my day :)

And in my fit of blinding rage and hurt, I decided to write a "Fuck you." essay to my entire existence. Ended it with a lovely but pressured illustration of what I was feeling at that moment. I don't regret screwing over my No Swearing policy for the 985439834th time.

MY BABIES ARE BACK. Expect more pictures like this in the future kthx.

Woooosh. I wrote an essay in Korean. it's so..elementary :D

Not sure who are those readers who are increasing my pageviews by the hundreds each week, but thanks a bunch for keeping up with the Fairly-Eggsiting Adventures of The Girl Who Thinks She's An Octopus.

(:

Listening to this on headphones, loud enough for the next person to hear me. 

Makes me feel like I could do anything.

Immunity.

One of those days. Question after question, unanswered calls and unreplied texts. Giddily (and anxiously) waiting for something nice to happen because hope, hope is a bittersweet thing to play with. Wait for a minute, stare at the phone for the next, sigh and return to whatever it is you were doing.

I've always wondered, why did I stick around? Was it to see you fall or was it to help you after you did? Or was it to stop you from falling anyway?  I feel like there's a certain sense of immunity I've been given after some time.

It's like you don't give a damn. Honestly, you're a fucking terrible person.


All this of course, happens on a rainy night.

Manic-depressive

"A Message"

My song is love
Love to the loveless shown
And it goes on
You don't have to be alone
Your heavy heart
Is made of stone
And it's so hard to see you clearly
You don't have to be on your own
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"
You're the target that I'm aiming at
Got to get that message home

My song is love
My song is love, unknown
But I'm on fire for you, clearly
You don't have to be alone
You don't have to be on your own

And I'm not gonna take it back
And I'm not gonna say, "I don't mean that"
You're the target that I'm aiming at
And I'm nothing on my own
Got to get that message home

And I'm not gonna stand and wait
Not gonna leave it until it's much too late
On a platform I'm gonna stand and say
That I'm nothing on my own
And I love you, please come home

My song is love, is love unknown
And I've got to get that message home

T____________________T

I feel weak.

"I'd dream of you if I could fall asleep."

Maybe it's just that I'm being terribly ungrateful. Maybe it's because I've for so long confused what I thought I had with what I wanted. Perhaps I just want something (or someone) to go right this time because the art of hoping and being let down has become somewhat too exhausting. The paradox of feeling like I have everything and nothing at the same time is slowly but constantly eating away at my soul.

I'm not happy;
I do, so badly, want to be happy.
It's not even a matter of feeling happy, there's something very delusional and elementary about that. I  want to BE happy. A complete state.
Wanting is one thing; needing is another and getting is a different story altogether, of course. I've been bowing my head, folding my hands in supplication to the Lord. "I know happiness isn't going to magically appear, but would You at least take this hurt away slowly?" because I've been running out of options.

I don't know if it's because I haven't been trying hard enough or because I don't even know what it is to try hard when it comes to something like this. A useless dam holding thoughts that eventually decide to break everything in its way and flood me into a state of insecurity and fear.

You send me people but why do they end up leaving? You teach me the value of love and comfort and how much sacrifices go a long way and yet why, why do they walk out without any discernible reasons? I know I'm whining but honestly, how is it even possible that I can feel so lonely?
You gave me all this love, would you at least give me a chance to give someone else that? You know exactly what I mean.

And then I remember how thankless I'm being. That You have stayed in my life, even before I was even thought of being created. You've held my hand through worse, and yet here I am complaining.

It's like being stuck in a permanent mould with not a chance the world to change. Why am I like this?

Flitting moments and impermanent people. Stupidity that is almost always accompanied with regrets.

C'est la vie.

Dear God, teach me how to love. I must be doing it wrong.

Stay.

Sanctuary

"I prefer the house when no one comes back"

Icing on the fruitcake
Salt on the wound.

Thank you for making my skin thicker, I guess.

Oh crap. Where did my words land me this time? :\

Dear Jill.

Dear Jill
i don't celebrate Deepavali.
but thank you.
also,
I don't want to be Chinese
I just somehow end up in circumstances that reflect my inner-Chinese state,
a state of which I was completely unaware of until I became best friends with 3 ah mois.
Sigh
I'm not doing a good job at justifying myself.

Hmph.

P.S. I miss you too.

I can see now that
they would be perfect together.

So I'll just go back to sitting on my little bench handing out goodie bags, smiles and flowers to everyone who passes by. Hahaha.


My laifu.

Why am I so sad all the time? ._.

Now playing : Interpol - You Take on a Cruise

Do you know? I'm trying not to deal with Hope. Hope comes with Expectations, Expectations rarely gets along with Reality. All it takes is a call, a text; a trigger. A trigger that I'm not quite willing to pull. It's frustrating to feel hopeless, without hope, or even both at the same time. Do you know? It took me exactly 9 months to understand why they were so distinct. The cloudy patterns in my mind stop drifting lazily, they came together forming a bitter conclusion.

It's not that I don't want to love or trust someone again. It's that I find myself inching five steps away every one step I come close to believing that something can go right. I've been down this road before; the facade that everything is aligned exactly where it's supposed to be, the board has stopped moving, you're stagnant, or slowly progressing in a pace and direction in your favour. But one step is all it takes to subvert that, of course. And suddenly you find yourself tumbling off. Someone cut your rope; your lifeline. It's dark and lonelier than ever now. Claw your way out, claw till your nails start bleeding and your skin starts peeling. You're exhausted but it's okay, Perseverance holds you by the hands and leads you out. It's bright again.

Things are alright now. It's not that dark anymore, the light is beautiful. It's making you smile slightly. Pause. It seems all too familiar. Disgustingly familiar. Why wouldn't it be?

After all, it was bright before you realized darkness folding in.

I have an overly active imagination that multiplies my stress by a tenfold, indeed.

Do you know?
I'm someone who actually bothers to wake up and reply texts and FB messages and answer calls. I'm someone who doesn't know the border between being a good friend and an overly attached one. Healthy or alarmingly engaged? I don't know the difference.
Naturally, I expect people to act the same way.
I hate how easily affected I get by the smallest of things.
I hate how my mind takes a simple situation and overanalyses it to hell.
I should stop attributing.
It's just that I'm really afraid. I know how my mind works, I can conclude it doesn't work the way I want it to :\

I'm going to get hurt again, aren't I?

City.

My personal favourite.

I've been living my life as half of a degree student for over a month now, I say half because I haven't started my core subjects yet and I reckon that's where all the JKFALSDJFKSJADFJFJSALDFJLAKD and hair-pulling starts. Sigh.

I hate the terribly inconsistent bus service here. I hate how my groupmates speak in Mandarin and all I wanna do is yell at them in Tamil and ask if they comprender. I hate how inadequate I feel here because I don't speak a certain language. Ugh.

I've been spending almost every fortnight with Jill and at least that counts for something nice. There's nothing nicer than having a date with your best friend and watching her buy bags only when you're there. Of course, I kind of kicked my NO SHOPPING rule in the nads and bought a bag too. Yay, I'm helping the economy.

Kononnya.

Watched Skyfall last night. Momentary spazziness commences nao. ZOMG DANIEL CRAIG YOUR EYES EYESEX EVERYWHERE OMG SEX ON LEGS HOW CAN SOMEONE BE SO GORGEOUS OOOOH THOSE SMOULDERING EYES Q ZOMG CAN I RUN MY HANDS THROUGH YOUR HAIR SPAZZFLAIL


I have no pics :(

I don't feel like blogging today. Meh.

Just go ahead, 

let your hair down.

Unwell

Positionally relative. The rules still apply.

What's wrong with me,why am i virtually incapable of functioning without people? why do I feel so tormented in a room full of people I know, huddled in their own groups while I awkwardly stand around looking for someone who might just feel the exact way I do?

To no avail, of course.

I have serious issues. I don't want to get attached but at the same time /fljsdkafjkdsaklfdasjkfhlasdfljdasfkIWANTDOEVERYTHINGWITHjifsdajfikdsjfkdsikjafgjkdas.

I'm being so desperate.
Again, WHAT IN BURNING HELL IS WRONG WITH ME.