Technically, it wasn't so much as a diagnosis as much as it was a reconfirmation of what my previous doctor had suspected. Perhaps Dr Salhana wanted everything to be thorough because that would seriously explain her 7 pages worth of notes in one session.
I guess I took it in a better way than I expected because I'd always thought I would probably just scream and say "No, FUCK YOU." to a critical diagnosis like that. But I didn't do that. I think half of me was just really happy because I could say "HA HA." to anyone who told me to "snap out of depression". You know, since you can't really snap out of a personality disorder.
But I think it's a lot easier to just not talk to these type of people as opposed to spending every conversation justifying that depression is a legitimate, awful illness.
Dr. S explained BPD more and since she wasn't trained in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, the best she could do was refer me to another psychologist. Lord knows how that's gonna work out, but fingers crossed!
I guess BPD would somehow explain why I tend to sway back and forth between completely doting on someone and alienating them. I remembered how awful I was in high school. I would be doing alright and suddenly, over a really stupidly minute reason, I would feel ostracized and 'attacked' by my closest friends. I resorted to not speaking to them, turning up the bitch mode to the highest level for days. Eventually, about one or two days later, I would realize how stupid I was being, so I would just revert back to 'being normal'.
I'd always thought that I was like that because I legitimately am a pretty sick excuse for a human being, I'd never thought I could attribute that to having a personality disorder.
But I suppose making these discoveries aren't so bad. It only lets me get deeper into finding a solution.
Huh.
