I've been called ugly a lot in the past few years.
And even if it wasn't a flat out "She's hideous", it was always something along the lines of "Were you drunk when you get together?" or "Is she like 500 times prettier than her profile picture?"
The people who do this are usually Aaron's friends and heck, maybe others whom I don't know. I know they do it because I'm an emotional masochist that pesters him for validation from his friends, positively thinking that they wouldn't be so off-put by the idea of their friend dating a lower-than-average Indian girl.
But I'm wrong a lot and consequently, my self-esteem takes a Hurricane Katrina-sized hit.
I try not to let it get to me because on the grand scale of things, looks aren't something I can change drastically (unless we're talking South Korean plastic surgery levels but I'm also fiscally challenged for that) and I can confidently say that I'm not the sum of the fairness of my skin or the sharpness of my nose. It's just not worth being bogged down by something as trivial as this and I try to focus on my actions instead (although most of the time, I fail at that too)
However, this week has been quite rough in terms of my feelings towards how I look.
It started on Monday morning when I was dressing up and I realized the scars on my face have gotten darker. Mind you, they're fixed drug eruptions caused by a drug allergy, so my left eyebrow and area under my mouth have these hyperpigmented circular lesions. I loathe how I look with them and try as I may, getting rid of them with an arsenal of expensive beauty products and herbal remedies is nigh impossible. I've been trying for 10 months and I fucking cannot.
Self-esteem nett loss = -5
On Wednesday, I went out with a friend from my Dino Media (ew) days and we were talking about another friend. She gets interesting projects and a lot of it is due to her amazing networking skills, then he added "It also helps that she looks like that" and that got me agreeing. Because looks do matter, and she's an impossibly beautiful person. At that point, I didn't feel envious of her but rather angry at my own circumstances. Because I was already on the lower end of the aesthetic spectrum and then suddenly I became allergic and suddenly I have these awful scars and from the lower end of the spectrum, I got bumped even lower.
It just didn't seem fair.
Self-esteem nett loss = -15
Then, there's also the pretty girl in Aaron's office and yes, yes I know that I shouldn't care but that got me thinking, I'm not remotely Aaron's type.
I mean sure, we like the same type of music and movies but notwithstanding all that, I'm simply not his type: Tall, cute, fair Chinese girls.
In fact, I'd go so far as to say I'm the complete opposite of that: Short Indian with the cuteness level of Harambe (RIP)
Self-esteem nett loss = Enough to warrant a post in my decrepit blog
To be quite frank, I don't know why we're still together, sometimes. At a certain point, it just feels like we're being forced by the length of time we have actually been together. It's not that I do not feel love for him, I just genuinely think he deserves better. I do feel my insecurities play a huge part in this, but what if my relationship is what's playing a bigger role in my insecurities? If I were single, I know for a fact I would still feel insecure, but what if I feel a little less?
Self-hate can be a very terrible thing. But to be beautiful and hate yourself, maybe that's not so bad, eh?
I wish no one has to feel this way but I know that I'm not the first person to feel like this nor will I be the last.
