I had to Google the average size of a lake to make a point.

You know, I think a lot of people have a hard time distinguishing feeling depressed and actually suffering from depression. Granted, it actually took some experience with depression and with fellow depressives to make me realize it and hence, analogize it to something as simple as "lakes and oceans."

Feeling depressed is like a lake. It's deep but could be shallow, terrifying and everywhere you turn there's water washing over you BUT, there's somehow comfort in seeing even the semblance of a coastline you can swim to. A line of hope where inching closer** shortens the distance between you and that overwhelming feeling of negativity that's been plaguing you so far. It gets better.

** Or in my case, flail around around until you move about because I'm 21 and don't know how to swim. Damn.

On the other hand, depression itself is a lot like being on an unsinkable(!) unbreakable(!!!) raft floating on an ocean. Water hits you, the current's too strong, abominably huge terrifying waves and despite all of that, you're still stuck on goddamn raft that refuses to sink or move. You take whatever the waters give you. You're being threatened by the thought of too much water in your lungs and rip currents killing you but:
You.
Don't.
Sink.

You're still alive but being beaten up by a force you can't control.

It's probably a shitty analogy to make a point anyway and for that, I apologize.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying feeling depressed is actually better than depression, I'm just outlining the difference as clearly as I can for people who don't seem to understand that saying variations of:

Don't let it get you down!

Don't be so negative.

Get over it.

You've nothing to be sad about. There are people in worse conditions.

to people who are genuinely suffering from depression is about as helpful to them as a bicycle is to a fish.

The thing is people suffering from depression can't just "snap out of it". There's no kill switch for when things get too hard to handle, you can't just turn a mental button off and go from "I'm sinking." to "Oh I'm on a sunny island yay coconut juice!".

They don't choose to throw out the slightest hope they feel. They don't choose that terrible, overwhelming feeling of hopelessness that makes even the simplest thing as getting up from bed such a laborious chore. It's not a choice to grapple with the idea of dying and living on a daily basis. It's not a choice to want to not-exist anymore because dying would be heartbreaking for the people who love you. There's no clickable option in losing grip of your entire life ending up with you looking in the mirror and seeing a haunting remnant of what you used to be. It's not a choice that their version of happiness is normalcy and familiarity, not happiness itself.

I never had a choice in this. Hell, I didn't have a say in my own life. It attacked me and now, I'm losing a battle I know I probably can't win anyway.

Stay positive, eh?

Credits to: Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half.

Meh.

"I Dare You To Be Alive"

SO I WENT FOR FUTURE MUSIC FESTIVAL ASIA AND HEY OH, it was all sorts of crazy awesome although the third day was canceled [More on that later].

I'm...not a raver. I don't club. Fuck it, I don't even know if there's an actual difference between the two. I can probably count the number of times I've been to a club one one hand and it'll simultaneously be equal to the number of times I would've rather sat through a 3 hour History lecture. instead.

Well, I do like history anyway.

Point is, I just don't see the appeal in overplayed generic craptacular house, people dancing drunk off their arses, sticky, smoke-y people, the groping and substituting small talk for

 "I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF BZZT WHOMP WHOMP OH I'M SORRY DID I JUST ACCIDENTALLY GRAB YOUR ASS?"

I can't fathom why I just spent 50 words justifying why I don't club but I'm sure there's a point to be made. I think?

RIGHT. So FMFA was actually my first concert and having waited since the line up was announced last year, I was pretty damn excited to be FINALLY watching my favourite dance music artists perform. Deadmau5 and R3hab on the first day, A STATE OF (fucking) TRANCE #650 on the second followed by Paul Van Dyk. The third day lineup was even more imba. Aaron and I were actually arguing about who to watch since Porter Robinson and Knife Party were scheduled to perform at the same time. 

Whoulda thunk?

Aaron actually bought my tickets as a Valentine's Day gift. I probably have to marry him now. I don't know. *apathetic shrugs*

BUT NOT REALLY. I still thank him to this day and I thank God everyday I have that amazing boy in my life. Yes, we're so screwed up sometimes and granted, it gets hard to deal with me and my depression but I would go through all my worst days with him than the best days with someone else. It's just love, you know?

So we got there late the first day because we got lost on the way to Bukit Jalil and the traffic would've probably looked like the Great Wall of China from Google Earth D: There was this hugeass balloon horse I figured was for a Corntoz event and I remembered thinking "Wow, you guys go all out for the crazies." because well, it's a gigantic pink floating horse. You might as well have been dressing up in bellbottoms and recording Lucy with The Beatles.

An observation : It seems like the dress code for music festivals like this = Crop top and shorts barely covering your ass. Brownie points for wearing a really simple shirt and then tearing it out to reveal a neon bikini top. Basically, it seemed like the more skin you show, the more your boobs spill out and the more horribly colour coordinated your outfit was, the better.

For a girl wearing funky shorts and a red top, I'd never felt out of place in my life. 

Of course, I'm not gonna shame the girls for wearing that, it's their choice anyway.
I'd just argue I'm a little conservative but who reads this dump anyway?

We watched R3hab perform first and OH LORD, he is a hottie. Know how there aren't many people who can get away with that scruffy look and instead of looking like Michael Fassbender, they end up looking like the hobo in Wangsa Maju instead? R3HAB  [That "3" is annoying] IS NOT ONE OF THEM. I'd argue he looks better than without a beard.

But the point of this post is the music, of course. Mmmm yeah. He mostly played a lot songs I don't even know since I've been so out of loop with house music but my god, that energy was enough to power half of Africa if converted. It was unfathomably awesome to see people just having a good time, get loose and shiz. He seemed like such a sweet guy who just enjoyed what he did for a living and that itself was amazing to see. Here's his setlist! :)

So next up was Deadmau5. Signature mouse head, snarky comments and everything.

5 minutes into his set and he was already saying "IF YOU HAVE DOGS THEN FUCK YOU" to which everyone was just either having too much fun to respond or just plain high. Cat people LOL.

He played a lot of his popular songs, Ghosts N' Stuff, Moar Ghosts N' Stuff, kept The Veldt towards the end and Strobe for encore. IMO, the highlight was his remix of Tunak Tunak Tun. Bhangra and house? CAN THIS BE MORE AWESOME? It's like I finally have something to bond over with my mum since she's always berating me for the music I listen to. Meh.

I loved how the crowd sang to The Veldt. Those few minutes were so ethereal, everyone was just so relaxed and in a happy trance.

Or maybe people were just high. I don't even know man.

FIRST DAY 15/10 WOULD GO AGAIN~

Of torrid heat.

The haze.

No , really. It's so bad it actually warrants a blog post waxing lyrical on how bad it is.

I didn't realize it got this bad until after my linear algebra tutorial. I came out of class and whoop de freaking doo, it looked like Genting Highlands except ridiculously hot [Eh, but Genting can be likened to a sauna nowadays anyhoo] and to make things worse, HUMID. MOIST. WET. HOT.

It's like I just described a less-than-desirable one night stand :(

AND, this is so strange but I actually realized that my mind has this odd tendency to subconsciously turn up the internal heat listening to specific songs. I know, I knowww, this sounds strange in theory but really! Aren't there songs you listen to, your brain automatically classifies them as "hot", "cold", "lukewarm"?

Take Kaskade. Kaskade's songs are almost always "cold" to me. Guns N Roses = HOT.  Madeon = Hot & sweaty ;_;



Guys, I think the heat is getting to me ):