Resounding

"Take charge. Trudge. You have to risk lose everything for the possibility of gaining anything."

"The both of us were standing at the border of life and death."

"If you don't find reasons to hate me, you are always going to remain stagnant."

"We knew it was going to die anyway."

"Tonight, I'm going to lose a friend, a boyfriend and gain an enemy."

"The beauty of love is that...it doesn't deserve."

"No."

"Will you stay just a bit longer?"

"Death is a point in life. The line still continues afterwards"

"Your inner demons are like your imaginary friends, I cannot help you fight them."

"I feel bad for not going, but worse if I actually went."

"It's never going to happen."

"Let's do something stupid."
"It's 2 am."
"That's why it's stupid."

"For everyday I don't receive a text, I'm going to do stupidly fun things. Not because I miss him, but because there's absolutely nothing to keep me preoccupied...except books, but fuck that for now."

"I don't want to die."

"I think death is life."

"Oh, fuck."

"You're obviously not happy."

"This is my HBO voice. I'm gonna revert back to my National Geographic voice."

"I don't know, do you want to?"

"Fuck you."
"Okay."

"I thought I was fine"
"There's always alcohol."

Someday it would lead me back to you

Sunday Morning always puts me in such a euphoric mood. Everything will be alright. Everything is being watched over. Don't worry. It will be a good day.

Daddy, why you get Mummy a Galaxy Tab 2 weeks after she ask for it? Y U NO GET ME IPOD TOUCH THOUGHT I'VE BEEN ASKING SINCE LAST YEAR?!

Oh well.

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Now playing: Bassjackers - Mush Mush [Original Mix]

A few years ago, I planned a lot about the people I was going to meet, places I was going to go, the person I was going to become. I had meticulously crafted a plan following the general advice of "Plan on how you see yourself in 5 years." Me, being an overt perfectionist that I am, I planned 9 years ahead. I planned to study, to get into medical school, to not go places until after I was ready for that life and when free time wasn't a rare option but a commodity. I planned to get married, to even have 2 kids at one point. I planned to keep the strings that connect me with the people I had known that time untangled and unbroken. I planned to have this plan work out without any obstacles. I was driven, I was determined.


A few years later. I'm..here. There were some points that worked out well, I confess.

Medical school? Fuck that, I'm planning to do mathematics instead. I will be happier doing something I'm genuinely interested in and am genuinely good at.

That is..granted I come out of this rut still alive.

I'm at a point where I can't distinguish feelings anymore. I don't feel happy, neither do I feel sad. I feel empty and to me, that's just a lot worse. I seem to be stuck in my little, dark bubble. The void in which I continuously fill with the satisfaction of making people happy and helping them is deepening. It's getting bigger, but satisfaction is not.

Perhaps I'm just bored.

Perhaps I'm just lonely.

There seem to be a lot of friendly people around me and they seem genuinely intent on making me feel better. Instead of focusing on the events that they were there, I seem to scrutinizing the times when they weren't. I pray and wish that there would be someone. The someone who wouldn't mind if I frantically called them at 3am in hysteria. I'm very capable of doing that when I overthink things. The person who would be welcoming the first, second, third and even fourth time. The one whose amazing quality of making me feel so comfortable doesn't fade with each ensuing phone call.
Who wouldn't make me feel so terrible for being so.fucking. damaged. damned. whiny. clingy. annoying. problematic. lonesome.
This one person
 Here, this person doesn't exist.

It seems to me, that you don't exist. Perhaps our paths have crossed and been blurred by time. I do not know.
.

Now Listening : Travie McCoy feat. Cee Lo Green - Dr. Feel Good


Did you scream enough to make her cry?

Bella Swan Syndrome

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Now playing: Kaskade feat. Mindy Gledhill - Eyes

At the beginning of this month, I typed a Facebook update with the gist of it revolving around how much I didn't want March to 'troll' me as much as February did because in all seriousness, February was a pretty MEH month. Judging by the number of Likes I got, I think it's safe to say that February was trolling quite a number of people ;)

Right. Why of all words, MEH?

I was very certain that from the start, February was anything but good, let alone would I use MEH to describe it. I was certain that if February was to be distinguished by other months in this whole year, it was going to have the reputation as the...worst of the lot.

Yeah, February 2012 was kind of a bitch. If February was a teenage girl, she would be the kind who completely ruined your high school life and left you scarred with the inability to connect with others for the rest of your college and adult life. Look at her name, for Chrissake. IT'S FEBRUARY! Doesn't that bring about an iffy attitude and the knowledge [no, not intuition] that it was going to be a bad month?

It did. In fact that hatred for February went well past through the entire month, deepening with each day till the 29th when I waxed on my distaste in a simple status update.

So, why all that anger?

Well, I had almost lost someone very important to me. I went through a heartbreak which just kept on dragging and dragging like dirty tracks. I couldn't find an answer nor did I want to come out of that rut. The only thing that I saw fit doing was pining after that certain someone and just praying with all my words that he changed his mind. Even when I was constantly being bombarded with the fact that he had his head screwed on tight, I was very adamant in torturing myself. To me, I was sure that God was going to look at me and think "Okay, I'll change his mind, she really seems depressed."

Yeah. Basically, I had the Bella Swan syndrome.

I felt lonely too. Too lonesome. The loneliness that hits you at your weakest and demands all your attention, all your tears and all your damn frustration for having chosen a place to study where you knew absolutely no one. The loneliness that doesn't hit especially on Valentine's Day, but a loneliness that hits for weeks on long by every trivial thing possible. My friend went out with her coursemates, I felt alone. My friends were going clubbing, I felt alone. That certain someone didn't text me as much as he did last time, I FELT ALONE.

Putting it on text now makes me laugh at how whiny and clingy I was. I admit, I'm not the strongest person to go through a lot of things but hell, I HAVE been through things worse than this. I wonder how could I have forgotten that I actually had a spine and that I could get my shit together and trudge forwards anyway. I have done it before, haven't I? Why did I succumb to all that dangerous mix of self-loathing and self-pity? Seriously, I went so low, I actually asked myself if I was too ugly for him.

I kid you not ._.
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Today, I just had a small..burst of intuition. ;D

..To be quite honest, I'm not having distinctively bad months or good months. By examining it closely, I realize that yes, I cried every months. But didn't I laugh as well? They're balanced. You can't have a perfect week or a perfect month. It simply does not exist. Again, I feel quite..daft for only realizing this now but better late than never, I guess.

It's been a while since I've blogged this long. I do hope that I'll get to blogging more often. I miss the therapeutic pleasures of my little cyber sanctuary :)

I'll just leave something equally therapeutic here ;)