Acts.

Now listening : Ed Sheeran - A-Team

Congratulations to my little baby brother [Yes, you are still a baby to me] Jonathan on confirming his faith! Ezzie-ka is very proud of the fact that the Holy Spirit is dwelling more intense than ever in you. We've grown up together; cousin brother or whatever, he's still one my most favourite people.

With Sonia and Bryan who got confirmed too. My hands looks like it belongs to a body contortionist. I can't even bend my back sometimes

Nickname : Tallass.

Picture of Jesus : Best place to goof off in front of. Also, I'm horribly skinny. I WANNA GAIN WEIGHT LAH

Shari Ann and Jonathan, both tallasses. I'm the shortest among all the cousins, clearly.

The Mother and Tallass.

I have to pack nao. Excuse me.

Monophobia

Can you lie next to her
and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before this king
and say "I'm clean", "I'm clean"?

But tell me now where was my fault,
in loving you with my whole heart?
Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Her white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections

-- Mumford & Sons - White Blank Page

There isn't anyone watching me, waiting for me to fall. Nor is there anyone passing judgmental stares anymore. I'm not visibly alone. Not as how I was when I used to eat lunch alone and wonder how one earth did I end up like that, not as how I was when I took walks alone at 11pm just to avoid seeing people who didn't look like they felt the same. I seem to have transcended into a new level of this state. The hate and fear burns intensely, the shutaway feelings stronger than ever. I'm beginning to love and loathe this at the same thing. "Loneliness is so underrated!" It echoes in my head too much because I need to justify why I'm in this time and place feeling like people have deserted me though they haven't. I'm beginning to realize that I might have been subconsciously loving the idea of being lonely after all. "Less people in your life means more love to go around!!" But what if there isn't anyone left at all? You have all this love to give and no one to give it to. You're not going to give it to yourself, you have this need to project those feelings to someone else. What if you have no one to love?

Yes, I hate being lonely and I'm afraid of it.

Sweet Life

Now Listening : Frank Ocean - Forrest Gump

 iTunes playlist is expanding at a smile-inducing rate. Yes, I feel obliged to blog these type of trivial things because my life is just too boring to be fit into a blog post full of late night partying, fucking strangers (The verb, I meant.), buying lovely little dresses and generally looking chio. Instead, I resort to going on a dedicated mission to save the masses form bad musical taste although to be honest, I could stand to be helped myself.

Recently, I've been listening to a lot of Frank Ocean whose music is doubtlessly a breath of fresh air, packaged nicely with doses of "wishful" and "wistful." His album actually reminds My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy but a friendlier and mellow, probably due to his voice. It's easy on the ears, not too overpowering. Also, he has such a cool name. Frank Ocean!

I gave Deadmau5's new album, quite 'ambitiously' titled > Album Title Goes Here < a listen.Yup, that's the title, I'm not kidding.. It's so generically Deadmau5, I love it. Telemiscommunications with Imogen Heap is on looooop right now and God bless us all, he collaborated with Wolfgang Gartner again. NAISE. I'd like to think that critics seem to be overlooking his prowess as a pretty damn good producer in view of his snarkiness instead. Heh.

Also on the list, Mumford & Sons' Babel. I haven't gave it a full listen but so far so good!

Am I the only one who hears 'sweet elephant' instead of  'sweet nothing' in Yummy Mister Harris' and Florence Welch's new track? .__.

Idle

Now Listening : She & Him - I Thought I Saw Your Face Today

You know.

It's unbelievably tiring to feel like such a punching bag. I constantly have to resist this strong urge to yell back "I AM NOT MADE OF SAND, I HAVE PHEELINGS TOO YOU ASS." but then I'm hit with the reminder that I /am/ leaving in 20 days after all and there's really no need to put up a bitch fight in a place I'm going to sorely miss once I'm in That Big City With Cray Cray Rapists.

Updates. Well. My family added a new member in the form of my little pumpkin-looking, precious little nephew. I'm not much of a kids-person (despite working in a 80% kid-filled environment) but I swear, just looking at him smiling is enough to subvert any sign of  ":("

I think I'm growing just too paranoid but I have a feeling that I'm being...discarded. Lol. Ignored and ignored but whaddaya do, right? It's life. I walked out before, it would only be natural to have it happen to me as well. Oh but what great timing though. Fuck you, life.

Hm. Have I been left in the dark? Baaaahhhhh. Lord help this stupid feeling get lost.

Right. moving to KL in 20 days. Not sure how to feel about this.

Retrospect.

I could go back to a time when the biggest problem in the world was when I complained that my teacher was "a ruthless bitch" and hoped no one would rat me out.
I could go back to a time when not having hair long enough was the only thing I wanted to overcome.
I could go back to a time when my biggest pet peeve was having round brackets in my iTunes. It still is, sorta.
I could go back to a time when university applications and Undergraduate Woes were replaced by Boss Battles and How to Turn On the Modem Like a Ninja-brainstorming.
I could go back to a time when loneliness could've been something I wanted. Times when screams got louder, ties became loose and too many bridges were on the way to being burnt. Or not.

I could go back to a time when loneliness wasn't the worst thing in the world. The worst thing in the world would've been playing Devil May Cry for 3 hours sans saving only to have your console shut down, of course. Damn it.

I could go back to a time when all these thoughts about having someone to hold and be held by were replaced by mental illustrations of To Kill a Mockingbird and The Wind-up Bird Chronicle.

I could go back to a time when I felt depression was just a fancy word for "I'm unreasonably sad, so I whine."

I could go back to a time when all of us were 20 minutes away from each other.

I could go back to a time when: My brother was still alive.

I could go back to a time when I didn't coax myself into "trying" because it came all to naturally. All in sync.

I could go back to a time when crying about uncontrollable circumstances wasn't a nightly ritual.Spineless little freak.

I could go back to a time when my blog posts were not about how ridiculously, pathetically, hurtfully lonely and sad I've been feeling the past year and a half.

I could, of course. But this would all be only in my head.

Pointless is pointless.

SIT ME DOWN;

SHUT ME UP

I'LL CALM DOWN

AND I'LL GET ALONG WITH YOU

The Strokes - You Only Live Once