I'd bleed myself dry.

"Should I be scared?"

"Very."

Regarding the post title: No, I wouldn't. That's just a line stuck in my head. I did something awfully stupid around this time last week. I'm way too impulsive for my own good :(

In other news, I got X-RAY-ED. Lol, I've always wanted to say that. Got a model of my teeth done, getting separators fixed this coming Friday and a week after that, behold, you may call me Metalmouth Ezzi.

I'm still wondering whether I should go to Penang this Wednesday. Worklife (!!!) starts on Thursday but dammit, a friend's farewell is a must. Makes me wish someone threw me a farewell. Bucketload of jellies aside, I really am going to miss him. Not that I don't already miss most of them. Most, heh.


I SHALL RETIREE NAO.

Mum says we might be going to Jerusalem. AWESOME! Considering it's in Israel though, are we even allowed?

I might still be.

I steal glances at my phone. Awkward, so very awkward. I smile to myself because it's mortifying. I resume watching Star Wars, we're at the scene where Darth Vader remarks how he finds Motti's faith disturbing. I smile again because that phone, that phone used to ring at unearthly hours in the morning and I would pick up anyway. I pick up to hear your stupid voice. Knowing the distinction between drunken sweet nothings and actual feelings didn't keep me from blurring the lines anyway. I reply texts so that I can keep you company..at unearthly hours in the morning. Sleep? What sleep? No one should feel lonely! I tell myself that because I have a compulsive need to justify the stupid things I know I'll regret doing. I am an idiot but and I have this undying urge to protect you and do anything within my means to keep you happy. That doesn't sound like love, that sounds like I'm your guard dog. But...I also want to eat ice-cream and watch Star Wars marathons and Epic Meal Time with you. It's beyond my understanding why things are so ridiculously different now This shouldn't be so hard. You fall, you get up, you get over, you move on and somehow or other, you stumble upon another poor soul.. But here I am, I'm paralyzed by fear. Or the comfort of lying to myself. Something's weighing me down. Is it the hope that maybe we'll start talking again?

Here, I can't say this on Facebook : I fucking miss you.


Hello mind, please reattach yourself to my spinal cord.

Like breathing was easy.

"By mentioning him at least a few times a day, he still exists in your life"

*muffles a groan under a pillow*

They stopped existing when they decided to walk out and eventually, I let them and made my stride away from everything that once was. I gave into the reasons that never actually answered anything. I gave up on doubts. I gave up on questioning. I stopped expecting..from the answers I wanted to the mere truth, I stopped. I cut the threads holding our memories together, I melted the glue that stuck fragments of what we once were and what we could've been.

Places, texts, conversations, music, photos. I burnt them.

What do I do with my ash-marred hands?

The trip.

Now listening : The xx - Angels

Ventured off to Penang a few days ago with Kristal and Jill. Jo couldn't join us but thank God I still got to see her, phew. We'd actually been planning a trip since ages ago. Kristal even made an event page [Cos' we're /that/ cool] on Facebook but well, it just never happened. and now for the DRILLZ. Yes, I've been spending too much time on /k/..

On the ferry, first class (Eh, sorta) because these two really wanted to get a good look.

Stayed at Continental Hotel. It was only when we went downstairs, we realized we were staying right next to UPR. But more on nightlife later..

Being a whore (photographically) is necessary in a hotel room.

We went to Kheng Pin to eat..Yong tau foo? I'm actually really bad with Malaysian food. Stone me to death..or pelt me with smelly tofu, please. Wait, that's not Malaysian? Damn.

Stopped for a bit at KDU (I'm still very sorry) because I really wanted to see some friends. We ended up waiting for a while there but we went to Gurney after that. In Jill's words, SUCCESSFUL SHOPPING. I'm quite happy with what I bought =) Met Sharis and Shafiq in Gurney. I won't even attempt to elaborate on how cute my two friends found that troll to be. Lol

Their lor mee. Which they didn't like. I didn't eat much on account that I'd already eaten..at 5am. LOL. Twice. Double LOL.

She's my Cherry Pie.

 

Don't mind us, we're being ridiculously tourist-y despite one of us having lived in Penang for one year. A passer-by actually thought Jill and Kristal were Korean since 90% of their conversations were in Korean.

The two girls who've played a very important part in my life.

We gallivanted around the area for a while. Yay, I'm using fanschy words now. Look at me, Ma! Met up with Amzar around Gurney and well, I didn't want to leave actually. I really missed them. Haha. Met up with Jill and Kristal's friend, George and his friend at night. YAY FOR MORE EATING.

So what did we do at night? We went to Sixty9ine Mansion. I think that's how it spelt, I can't be bothered to look it up.. Brownie points for ambience despite this dude throwing up in the pool. No, dude. Just NO. Headed off to the beeeeeaaaaaaccccccccch.

Highly appropriate footwear :D

I think the mojito was already finished. I love Long Island Iced Tea..but this one was a bit too strong on the spirits. and then someone poured beer in it. LOL.

My hot friend and I :P

We had to go back the next day itself, so our trip was very unfortunately short. My sister was having her baby shower and NOPE, I don't think I'll get over the joy of saying that I'm going to be aunt. I don't particularly like kids but a nephewwwww is pretty exciting news :) He's a lucky one. He's going to grow up with his aunt imparting her wisdom on video games and good music and STAR WARS onto him. That kid is going to be awesome.

I don't actually have any pics from the baby shower so here's one with me pretending that my house porch is a gigantic boat..

 
I had to run off after her baby shower for another dinner. This time, it was at Indulgence with Jo. MMHMMM FOOD.

I love them, period.

Honestly, I do miss Penang. Going back made me realize how much I subconsciously had missed it and returning only deepened those feelings. Traveling to familiar places, conjuring stupid and important memories along the way. We sat at that bench. I wanted to walk on that road. I took a picture here. Someone promised me this. Perhaps I'm just being too melodramatic. I remember staring into the distance at the beach that night, particularly because I remembered all those promises and comforting dreams I dreamt but also how quickly they suddenly became memories I wish happened. Hmm.

Pokey shoulder-blade lady.

Here, have a picture of my Mum's kids.

"Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.”

Soundtracks.

Now Listening : Calvin Harris feat. Example - We'll Be Coming Back  [R3hab EDC NYC Remix]

This is going to be a music-centered post :D

I've always had this certain tendency to automatically associate specific songs with memories. To break it down, they're basically the designated background soundtracks I would have liked to have at that given moment. This was on my a few hours ago and..I needed something to blog about. Win-win! So...here are [Insert number] events in my life and the songs that immediately comes to my mind when I reminisce.

The night before I moved to Penang.

The Beatles - Nowhere Man [Paul Westerberg cover]

This is just all sorts of depressing to hear before leaving to college. The acoustics, the hopelessness and uncertainty in his voice, it's like a plea for help. This was exactly how I felt that night. Unsure of what lay ahead of that year and hopeless because any attempt of turning around and splitting was futile.

The song I actually listened to endlessly that night was Tonite Only - We Run The Night. EDM mmhmm

The night before I left Penang.

Billy Crystal & John Goodman - If I Didn't Have You

I spent that night with Cherry and Amzar. The fact that we mostly played Monopoly and watched Video Game High School may have seemed boring to an outsider but in all honesty, I had a good time. I felt loved because hey, at least I got to spend that time hanging out with them instead of staying cooped up in the room letting dangerous thoughts invade. I didn't mind being reminded that it's those type of nights that compel me to consider going back to Penang, sometimes.

THE DAY I FREAKING LEFT PENANG

The Pixies - Where Is My Mind? [Sunday Girl cover]

As you may have noticed, I seem to have this natural affinity towards covers. I love the original song [Fight Club ftw!] but there was something very melodically haunting about this. It was just /the/ song when I locked the apartment door for the last time.

PikNik for the first time with Cherrrryy.

Phoenix - Second To None

It was..1am when we decided to walk to what was soon to be my favourite hipster-y cafe. It was just an hour and a half of Jenga, reading wiseass quotes from That Book I've Forgotten. Most of the songs I like by Phoenix are fast-paced and catchy like this one. Eg : Rally, Lisztomania


The day my brother passed away.

Amos Lee - Colors,
Ben Harper - Waiting on an Angel

To be honest, I really don't mind talking about this. Some people might dismiss me for being too crude but imo, the fact that I'm comfortably talking about the death of a loved one is just a good testament of how far I've come, how I've begin to accept that death isn't the end of life; it's merely a point on it. So as long as memories are kept alive, I don't see why anyone would let death get the best of them.I will wait.

Walking out of the exam hall, period.

John Williams - The Imperial March      [Darth Vader's Theme]

Whaaaaaaaaaaaat. Epic, okay. It just is.

Friday nights spent in Penang, alone.

Michael Buble - Home

Gorgeous man with a gorgeous voice. I just wanted to go home. I wouldn't have to be alone somewhere else, I would've been alone at home. It was better than any other loneliness.

Visiting beach(es) at 4am.

Phoenix - Rally

Because this songs reminds me of running around like wild kids..which is what we did. Lol.

Eating dinner alone. Grocery-shopping.
I actually had a motherfricking playlist i my phone for this, I swear to God. Not even gonna bother naming the songs. They're all so beautifully poignant ;)


Friday nights spent at home. Reading on the porch

Feist - Now At Last

To be honest, this isn't a good background song as much as it's just a song that played in my head a lot. There's something oddly comforting about spending nights reading on the table outside. Jack, Roofie (DON'T INSULT MY DOG-NAMING SKILLS)  and Tamara accompanying me.


 Of course, there's more to it than these but I've been procrastinating too much on this blog post. Also, I had a mini-trip to Penang a few days ago and my sister's baby shower. I reckon that's a better thing to blog about than my sad life, my sad music, and my sadness in Penang ._.

.

I've deactivated Facebook and as of now, I'm going to abandon Twitter for a while. There are some things that I don't want to see. Until I'm 101% sure.

Update : I FAIL.

Today in iTunes.

Okay. So I wouldn't know why anyone would want to read a post about what I listened to today. To today. Doesn't that sound off? Oh well.

Further proof I need a life.

Maroon 5 - Infatuation. Sexy, sexy song :D 

Tiesto - In The Dark 

Supreme Team & Young Joon - 그땐 그땐 그땐 

The Sounds - Queen Of Apology [Patrick Stump Remix] 

The xx - Heart Skipped A Beat 

Miike Snow - The Wave 

Digitalism - 2 Hearts 

Bloc Party - Like Eating Glass 

Gavin DeGraw - Chariot 

Michael Bublé - I'll Be Home For Christmas 

Paolo Nutini - Loving You 

Joe Anderson - Happiness Is A Warm Gun 

Laidback Luke vs Steve Angello - Love Me Right [Hardwell Mix] 

Super Furry Animals - Hello Sunshine 

Friendly Fires - Strobe 

Sixpence None the Richer - The Lines of My Earth 

Muse - Sunburn Fiona Apple - Criminal

On the off chance that I become a criminal and the cops need to make some kind of a psychological profile for me, do tell them to look at my music folder. From what I can tell, I'm clearly schizophrenic with..clubbing-tendencies. Ugh. Clubs..

I wonder.

Now listening : Dario Marianelli - Dawn

I'm not sure how I feel about relationships anymore.
I've always questioned whether putting a label on things was an ordered requirement. Unlike most people I know, I don't see the necessity in attaching a label to a boy and a girl engaged in mutual interest. In another case, it isn't rare that I roll my eyes and mentally facepalm at the sight of anyone updating their FB with "Blah is in a relationship with BlahBlah". Maybe I'm too superstitious for my own good but personally, I think publicly letting people know is just a deathwish right there.

Publicity aside, is that type of affirmation really that important though? In retrospect, would my "love life" [Even saying this makes me cringe..ugh] have been remarkably different if say, I'd been more clear on my intentions earlier? Not saying that I didn't have my doubts at first, of course. But maybe if I stopped floating around and dragged us back to solid ground with a solid "I like you" or "I've fallen for you", maybe things would've turned out alright. What could've been the worst response anyway?

"I like you."

"I'm gay, I was just experimenting with you to see if I'm bisexual. I'm not, by the way. you were just a terrible kisser!"

"I like you."

"Fuck no."

"I've fallen for you."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA........serious?"

I can't help but to wonder what is it that went wrong in both circumstances, sometimes. Within a span of year, it felt like I went through a tornado of flitting emotions with just two people. Oh wait, I DID. How did that happen? More importantly, what went wrong? Naturally, I looked at myself in blame at first. Maybe I was too spineless, too rude, too sensitive, too defensive, too clingy, suffocatingly caring. On the other hand, I had to admit, perhaps I was just too stubborn to admit I might have been played; terribly, twice. Pride denied me the permission to accept the fact that I was stupid, twice. For this, Ezri, you're probably going to lose completely the ability to love and become a robot. You're going to be doomed to roam this earth with your legion of German Shepherd puppies [I don't like cats] who'll end up deserting you anyway when a highly-probable zombie apocalypse happens. You can't die, you see. You are a heartless robot. You are not WALL-E.

Ugh. How unfair.

And then there's always the possibility that there was never anything wrong with them or me. Perhaps it's just not meant to be, period. Okay, obviously LAH.. [Mental voice just went ABUDEN?!] Nonetheless, do I really need to know the reason why? I've come a long way, I've come along fine; albeit terribly at first. Will a reason why feelings changed give me that final piece of closure I need? What good would that get me? Doubtlessness? I'm doing fine now, aren't I? Shaadddap, that was rhetorical.

Hell, what if I can't handle the actual truth? Oh yeah, you see what I did there :D
When I mean actual, I don't mean "I have problems.", I mean the hard-hitting truth that might just tie up all loose ends and give a closing chapter to an unfinished business.

Nahhh, I reckon I can handle it.. But I know for a fact that it's not something I'm going to receive anywhere in the near possible future. If anything, I'd be lucky if I even get any explanation at all. From the both of you. You with the girl, and you potentially with a girl. And maybe by the time I do, my German Shepherd puppy army would be with me, ready to unleash a can of ass-kicking on them.

Okay, I'm kidding.

I'll just let them pounce.

So, in all honesty..if I had been clear on my intentions and just went for the "I laaaiikkkkeee you.", would it have made a difference? Sigh. The answer's stuck at 'maybe' which isn't at all helpful. I guess I'll just have to wait for the next guy I fall for.

Hopefully, that'll be a long time from now.
I'm actually in a pretty damn fucking good position right now anyway. (;

A year.

Now listening : Tokyo Philharmonic Orchestra - Passion [Instrumental Version]

Sooo....from the time I've gone to college, finished my course and came back to my sleepy little hometown, it's fair to say that my love for blogging has been greatly depreciated. Granted, it wasn't like I was blogging every other day before leaving anyway. Oops. Even the occasional whirlwind of posts usually just centered around Thoughts You Should Not Be Having At 4am and What I Say When I'm Over It and Why It's All-Too-Different From What I Actually Mean When I Say I'm Over It.

I have Alex's Just Like Me album on loop, it might be raining outside [Can't tell but for nostalgic effects sake, let's just say it's raining :D]

Ah yesssss, COLLEGE.. I kicked  all ounces of hometown laziness settling in to write a damn post detailing my fucking love life damn year in damn college. For any of you who might be wondering, I took up a Cambridge A-levels programme at KDU Penang. WHY PENANG, YOU LIVE IN IPPOOOOHHHHH!! I'll get to that later.

Details might be hazy, bear with me bear with me children and together we shall rule the world

AHA! I knew creating a separate folder for pictures in college would help me in the long run. *gleeful grin*

June 2011.

I moved into my dorm with no laptop during the first week. It was like someone pelting me with armed porcupines...and I'm drowning in nitric acid..and it's raining..acid..it's raining more acidic porcupines.. iDie.
Okay, that was a gross exaggeration. But boy that would be something, hmm? Oh yes, well..I had my phone, yay for smartphones! I remember my first night there, not wanting to go out for dinner because I was...alone...but my roommate Enowen [Don't ask] offered to buy me dinner. Economy rice ftw! Cherry and Christin offered to take me out to supper the next day, something of which to this day I'm grateful for. My first friend in college..I don't recall. I smiled at too many people ;) I met Jen, Jojo, Serene and to this day, they've been my closest friends in class save for the fact Serene ran off to KL to do IB. I love her nonetheless.. Claire, too. But you already knew that :D

July 2011.

I think..this was the month we went for karaoke and Bon Odori. It was pretty cool. I met Amzar when I didn't think it was possible to have someone have SO MANY FREAKING THINGS in common. Corona, Hoegaarden, lameass freestyle rapping! I met lovely Abigail this month too, through Claire. I doubt she's reading this, but I cannot go on without mentioning how much I love her. Thank you for all that you've done for me, and the things we've done and talked about together. I love you, MissAbi.

August, September and October 2011.

I should say that these months progressed quite the same way. Chemistry lab sessions, conversations about boys, bacon, alcohol, boobs, inadequate bra size etc. I met Nick and Chloe this month, if I'm not mistaken. Alcoholic buddies? I met Sasa too, what a darling of a girl, she has such a cool attitude.  Serene left this month, off to KL she went. I missed her terribly as she was one of those very few people who made that godawful decision to move to Penang worth it. She still is. In October, I celebrated my birthday in the most bland of fashion, I did get kidnapped by my sister though. Lol. Also, I got  /very/ drunk a few days after my birthday, proceeded to call someone and say "I hope you teached safely" I meant to say "reached"
I met Jason, Praveena and Karthee this month too.
AS commenced, let's not even go there.
I let go of someone who did not need me anymore. I'm glad he's happy now.


November 2011.
This was a month of fun? Frivolity? I should say so. This was the month exams ended, I went to the beach at 3am, watched the mass comm students' radio show (Talented bunch), got drunk-dialled for the 5th [??] time in my life, made a decision to "let go" and then got smacked by life saying "nyah nyah, I'm trolling you." Abi left this month :\

December 2011.
A2 STARTED BUT AHHHHHHHH CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS CHRIIIISTTTMAS I MADE COOKIES I PLAYED MONOPOLY I GOT CLOSE TO PEOPLE I MISSED TIESTO I FELL FOR A GUY ON CHRISTMAS NIGHT I WENT TO LANGKAWI IT SUCKED IT SUCKED BUT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO GO BACK TO COLLEGE AFTER THE HOLIDAYS.

January 2012.

Twas a good month.I think this was the month I started talking to Sharis more. He is awesome.. One of those people I wouldn't mind going back to Penang for. Thank you for putting up with Miss Spineless, your Wiseassery is appreciated.  Also, please make a pizza for me! (:

February.

Hmm, let's just say this was the month that could be likened to those stormclouds you see and go "Oh shit, it's gonna be hell".

March and April.

ggaaaaarrrrrrgggggllleeeefdisfidfifdksfklajfdafdklfdsafad. BUT WOOHOO I DID WELL FOR TRIALS! Also, I met Clarissa. Awesome girl who gives awesome hugs!

May.
See, this was the month things HAD to get better. There wasn't any choice left. and it did. Of course, I did have my weak moments mostly due to my alcohol consumption.. but uhm, yes. things got better. I stopped expecting, and then I stopped hoping, and then I stopped altogether. We had our class farewell on the 31st. I left Penang on the 2nd of June. but I'm glad that I did try to spend as much time as I could with them.

Pictures!

 

 The Thai restaurant we went to for Serene and Tim's farewell. Tom Yam is epic win.

          

Abigail, Claire, and I. Claire does not look like a ghost..always.

   Miss Jessica Kok who visited me.

 

4am trips to beach.

Christin and I. This was among our other 5am endeavors.

During a dinner at Bon Appétit. Cherry, me, Chloe and Nicky.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clarissa, Amzar & Shafiq on the left.

 

<3 The lovely bunch. Jen in red, Ari my gedik, Kwek my alcoholic buddy and Dips, the gorgeous friend.

 

I will miss her so freaking much.

Walking to Gurney at 1am. :D

Paragon at 3am. LOL.

"Jom sumbat."