1.7 || 1.8 || 1.9

I spent these three days in a similar, robotic pattern.

I woke up as early as I could afford (which was late anyhow), got yelled at by my mum for the most idiotic of reasons.

It was probably due to menopause anyhow. 

Three days passed in an angry, dark haze. I felt more resentment than ever but with some meditation,

I managed to keep my emotions in check and avoided any explosive outbursts. It wasn't a good three days, really. I ended up occupying my time by packing for KL.

1.6

Time and time again, I'm always left baffled at the speed my uni's admin department works. In November, I emailed my course supervisor to register subjects. I wasn't allowed to do it using the website because I was in "inactive" mode due to my deferment. For two months, I waited for my new timetable but clicking "Check Timetable" always led to an empty table.

Only on Tuesday (6th) I emailed her again and she finally got it done.

Lembap macam siput mengawan.

1.5

Mummy and Anya (that's what I call my dad) sat me down for a Serious Talk, this time concerning my admittedly terrible sleep habits. I'd been oversleeping too frequently and as my new semester is approaching rapidly, they've cast aside their "Let her rest"s and traded in for "We are disappointed. Why are you not getting better?"s.

Of course, my first instinct would have to go on the defensive but knowing my parents, that would backfire.

So I just sat there for half an hour, nodding appropriately and as if by default programming, answering "Yes" or "No" when they asked why I wouldn't talk.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it feels like I have a gun pointed to my head while you yell "YOU BETTER FUCKING TELL ME ALL YOUR PROBLEMS SO HELP ME GOD I WILL SHOOT YOUR BRAINS OUT." 

It was a catch 22 situation, I couldn't not talk about it but when I did, you would just tell me that I am not trying and I am deliberately pushing myself down.

I felt like a failure. A disappointment. A stain that marred their life. A depreciating asset.

I was actually chanting "Inhale positivity, exhale anger!" in my head and it seemed to have help :)

I'm gonna level with you guys. Yes, I have a terrible sleeping habit. I'm actually writing this at 4am so my point is pretty much proven.

I'm not sure how I can even begin to explain and believe me, this isn't me justifying my bad habits:

When I oversleep, it's not a matter of waking up and hitting snooze 15 times (like I used to do before I started seeing my psychiatrist). The problem is that I can't even get up at all. My dreams are very vivid and in them, I've already woken up and began to go about my day but in physical reality, I'm still in bed. It's like a mechanism that my brain activates to trick me into sleeping more. These dreams aren't sleep paralysis, but they're paralysing all the same.

I've decided to call Dr. S tomorrow to see if it's a side-effect and if it is, why the bleeping hell hasn't it subsided?!

Till then, I suppose I have to bite my lip and hope I get up before 10 tomorrow.

1.4

I've been procrastinating on reading Lord of The Rings for a while now and I think it's about time I just sit my ass down and do it.

Romanticise

To clear up the confusion I might have caused, Aaron and I didn't break up. We had a huge argument and because some harsh words were thrown around, we both sort of fell into the conclusion that we'd broken up. I don't think either of us would have wanted to affirm it at that time, with all our resentment and 'stress sial'. Besides, imagine going:

"So yeah, just so we're clear. Break off dy right?"

"Yeah lah. Some more what?"

Awkward lah.

We hadn't talked for an entire day (Which feels like forever okay he's one of my best friends). I was still pseudo-boiling and trying all sorts of meditation techniques to calm down. All of them resulted in me screaming "BRAIN STOP THINKING" 

I actually had a revelation when I ate a nugget. Upon eating said Magical Nugget, I had a pep talk with myself.

Our love makes me giggle and say "I don't knowww" when someone asks me "How do you describe love?" It makes me thankful for every mistake I made, every moment I fell down because all of it (I believe) led me to being the person I was when I met and subsequently, fell in love with him. It gives me an insight of all those insane, positive and negative emotions our human minds can capacitate and endure. He'd taught me how love and anger was especially dangerous when entwined but love and happiness would be more beautiful. Those cheesy love songs started making more sense and hell, they still do.  We're not perfect, but knowing how we both can say "Fuck it, I'm yours" even if there could be someone better out there is why I stay. We stay.

So..yes. I called him, we had a good talk and here we are. Perhaps bent, but not broken.

                                      :))

"We cannot tell the precise moment when friendship is formed. As in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses there is at last one which makes the heart run over." 

Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

Never die.

No one reads this deserted dump anyway.

So we broke up. Indefinitely? I don't know.

I'm sad. I feel like a whale. Perhaps later I'll write a better post that accurately represents my feelings.

Although I think this sums it up pretty well.