Scratching stones.

This is only going to deepen my feelings about being a terrible friend while simultaneously making me more terrible as a friend, but, NO.

I've never said this out loud, and I think partly due to the fact that I'm too scared to lose things. Or lose, for that matter. But yeah, I mean NO.

No one knows how dead serious I am about untagging, and deleting, blocking, unfollowing. I promised myself I didn't want any form of....connection with people, not in this way. By people I mean insider-outsiders. Screaming wallpaper. Noisy background people I faked liking.

There's something holding me back from doing it. Guilt? Hell, what do I need to feel guilty about? It's my call to not have any connection with anyone, no? I haven't done anything wrong.

I'll wait and see how far this strange, ambiguous hate I feel for humanity progresses. I'm too egoistic for my own good, honestly.

Maybe that's it. An ego too big and fragile to handle..

I'm like a hot-air balloon.

I got a shout out! Let me reply!

Dear Sonia, we'll go out soon :)

Suddenly, Jo's plan on smoking at the Han River seems sinfully tempting. I've been watching too many badasses to do it.

Self, smoking is not badass. Unless someone in a suit is doing it. Not at all.

Raincheck on a date. Worst decision ever. Now that I think about it though, it was a terrible, half-assed idea. I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty sure I was angry more at the fact that I was going to be #foreveralone more than my decision itself.

남자 있어요? I can dream.

I can't help but to laugh at me desperation. Eeeshhhhh, can I not call it that? I'll call it a boring, prolonged, 17 year old state..

"Supplies?"
"SUPPLIES!"

Will I be this bored when I go off to study?

Meh.

I don't understand how can anyone be that friendly. You've only met...2 times.

MEH.

I have all the wrong parts from 아.미.고 playing in my head the whole day. Oh well.

Too young and fine.

Apparently this is my 666th post.

If I could afford it, I would buy forever, and sell it to God to get everyone we want back. It'll be like selling rice to a paddy farmer. Then again, what do I know? I just want things I can't have back.


Or if I could play quid pro quo, and exchange my life to get back his. It's an unfair trade, I don't mean that much.

Ah, life.

It's either be the worst friend or the worst sister or the worst daughter. I'm amused at how situations like this time themselves so perfectly to inch between each of the 'worsts'.

Expectedly.

But hey, don't be angry at me because things aren't under my control. I could blame it on being the youngest. but does anyone know things would be the complete opposite if it wasn't for what happened 2 years ago? Yes, 2. It sounds bitter just saying this.

I suppose my 'freedom' has been barred. They could be anywhere, but that lingering presence that follows you around when they are, is always going to stay. I think they call it guilt.

Craft.

My life as of right now.
I could whine about the blankness of it, knowing it'll be nothing more than an unread paragraph against a white page. Excusing the recklessness, I..could go out and make it worthwhile. Maybe I'll die trying to be a sports car driver, base jumper or professional Starcraft player [R.I.P dude].

Maybe I won't die because it's just not my time yet. I can say with certainty though, that I'm not going to know if I'm sitting here being all nonchalant and jaded and bored. Yes, bored.

So, I'm begging you in the worst response-inducing way possible, whom it my concern, to let me..go out there...and try to give myself reason to start believing that the fact I'm here accounts for something. That something is out there, and I'm right here and as long as I continue to stand here, without moving, I'm never going to be there any time soon to see that 'something.'

It could be a job? Or a convent calling. Relief efforts in South Africa. A happy career in plastics and reconstructive? I don't know, and neither do you know enough to make a raw assumption that I can't and won't be able to handle it.

I know I'm asking for a risk. But this thread is only going to go shorter and thinner if I'm not allowed to make a mistake and pick the hell up.. I'm thinking of all the time I'm wasting trying to convince you compared with how productive I'm able to make it if you just damnwell let me do what I want.

I'm young but not necessarily stupid. Maybe I'm not experienced, but it's indisputable and you can't argue with the fact that I cannot be leaching off someone else's experience and mistake. I need to learn independently and it's not going to happen if you've put this barrier for me between here and there.

Does any of this even matter?

Maybe in years to come, when I look and wonder why my pencil's blue but its eraser is black and its tip pink, or when I wonder why I suddenly have this urge to grin like an idiot when I hear the word "diet" or "surprise", I'll remember to thank the few people who gave me a reason to continue living even when I didn't or couldn't or God forbid, shouldn't have. I don't mean much to the world, but there's a lot in the world that means more than..well..the world to me.

Sapbucket.

You know what's my most hated question? The type of hate so strong that its gravity is just immeasurable? Like how strong the gravitational pull is at the North Flipping Pole? <-- Physics ftw.

"What's YOUR talent?" and worse than that, the ensuing "Everyone has a talent! D/w" right after that pathetic, gloom-encompassed "I don't have a single talent."

It's such a terrible, terrible question. I've even stopped going for camps because I don't want to have to deal with this type of crap. I know that my distaste for it is just /slightly/ overplayed but enter explanation.

I woke up today with the worst revelation ever, IMO. Albeit an obvious one, it never really had much of an effect on me, call it acceptance. On the other hand, maybe it's a product of my boredom, Idk. I woke up today realising that in my 17 years of living, breathing and eating, I haven't accomplished anything. To make things worse, I can't accomplish anything because my little ability list is...an empty chasm. an empty, dark, sad chasm.

See, even as I type this, I'm still empty and ability-less. And aging. Yeah, I know I'm 17 and that's only a quarter of it but as I grow older, /this/ feeling is only going to go deeper and I need to know that I'm worth just a little bit to myself because well, I don't know when I'll die. It might just be tomorrow.

:(

I don't understand why my subconscious is such a ...bitch. A sadistic bitch who hates being happy, subverting any attempt, failed or successful at being happy. I'll let my gif do the talking.

Thou shalt be happy?

..So I haven't wished anyone my blog Happy 2011 yet.
I'm still not over 2010 :)