The Bitchy Face of Fate

Now Listening : Lady Gaga - Marry The Night  [Zedd Remix]

Fact : I hate my Facebook newsfeed. 

Or so it seems that I'm starting to progressively hate it day by day. Not-so-little cesspool of self-loathing and bitchiness, go back to the hell you came from.

It isn't easy as just deleting people off your friends list, they /are/ your friends after all. It just seems that they have alter egos on social media; alter egos that frequently deserve a painful bitchsmack back to reality on the face..with a chair. Okay.. Rephrase. Don't get me wrong, I love them. I just really hate how affected I'm capable of being over what I see on my newsfeed ):

So this is a problem with me.

I would be doing fine, blocking out all heart-mutilating thoughts. I would've been fine doing a Fucking Good Job at moving on. Occasionally though, The Universe gets bored and decides to toy around just enough to make the hurt annoying as hell, I would see something, just something on my newsfeed that does a hell of a job reminding me of what could've been, what I lost and what I had. It's ridiculously frustrating to see myself be so affected by it, it doesn't have to have that much on an impact but WHY REALITY WHY.

Ah, fudge it.

I should start being a self-respecting human being.

If you'll excuse me, I'll go pour green dye in my mum's fountain and listen to Zedd.

Zeddddd and Porter Robinsonnnn and Madeonnnnn. Yum.

Playlist and a Half.

Today

Muse - Madness

The xx - Chained

Jon McLaughlin - Falling

Ra Ra Riot - Run My Mouth

Wild Nothing - Shadow

Emancipator - Anthem

Madeon - Icarus

Electric President - Lullaby

SG Wannabe - 어린 사랑  [Young Love]

Vanessa Carlton - Annie

Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance

Air - Playground Love [Vibraphone Version]

Augustana - More Than a Love Song

Forever

 

Lady Gaga - You & I
Barbarossa - Stones
Florence + The Machine - Lover to Lover
Édith Piaf - T'es Beau, Tu Sais
The Solids - Across the Overpass
Carla Bruni - Tu es ma came
Jamie xx re-work feat. The xx - You Got The Love
John Mayer - Not Myself
Epik High - Love Love Love
Emancipator - Safe In The Steep Cliffs
Weezer - Island In The Sun
The Sounds - Night After Night
Loefah & Skream - 28 Grams
Pavement - Camera
Metric - Combat Baby

It's a bit amusing to know that my most read posts are the on my A-level results and the one preceding this. You know who you are. But thank you anyway. It's nice to know that someone reads this dumpsite of PMS-y feelings and spinelessness.

Silently.

Now listening : Gavin Degraw - Soldier



I'm not losing, this is just an overinflated ego that needs deflation. Lol. Don't be so melodramatic, self..

There are things that require more attention than acts of damaging your own heart right now. Stop being an idiot. It isn't a lesson if you allow it to continue being a mistake. You're not some kind of damsel in distress. Even if you are, there's no one to save you but yourself. That's how things are gonna be. So, stop. Stop the regret. Better yet, don't do the things you know you'll regret// stop.

ANNOYED LOR.

Abandoning all sense of correct grammar today.

Honestly lor, I beh tahan my newsfeed and timeline dy. Instagram pun sama. Babi mia orang. Can't stand some people ady, but what to do, right? Jaga muka. Friends, kononnya wor. Not just one person lah, but 3. Bodo mia orang. That aside, annnoooying betul lah today. I didn't promise anything to anyone also, I got a lecture on PPK-ing people and being irresponsible. I already said tomorrow because I might not be able to make it mar. Got warning ler. Get so pissed off with me for what. You go out lah, what makes today so different? Bodo. I must have missed the warning about pregnant people losing their sense of rationality. Kena lecture from 2 different people summore. Tooopid.

/endrant

Someone annoying.

"Look at you. You don't have a boyfriend and you're always alone. So sad lah."

Pfft. Go away, Preggo Llama person. I best be single than be in a relationship I can't handle.

Just like nicotine.

A parasite.  
a flitting emotion. 
A disgusting permanence. 
A dance with danger. 
A fist with your heart clenched inside. 
An accidental discovery. 
An amazing addiction.
A wonderland to be lost in. 
A good acid trip. 
Tough to beat, tough to quit.

That's what this is.

4am.

I wouldn't mind leaving the world to see if people would miss me.
If some of them would say "Good, I won't miss that bitch."
I've never made enemies, I try to treat everyone nice.
Even if they've decided to walk all over me, forget me and the things I've done or..the times I've paid. Lol. 
I've never had someone delete me off their FB flist except that one time this one girl from KDU did because I was friends with someone who rejected her love.
Ironically, she added him back but decide not to with the rest of us.
Harhar.

I paid for your 24 bucks parking, lady!

I want to see if I ever did enough to leave an impact in someone's life.
I don't want to be forgotten. I don't want to be hated.
I want to live even after I'm gone.
I want to exist.

A Letter to the Future God-Knows-Who

Because I'm bored.

Because I sat through a cutesy conversation about The 3 Words.

Because I kind of felt left out.

LOL.

Because sometimes I wish there was someone to keep the boredom away at unearthly hours in the morning.

Because I know not many people I know are going to read this. :P

A Letter to the Future God-Knows-Who

Dear I-Hope-Your-Name-Is-Easy-To-Spell-And-Made-Of-1000-Modes-Of-Sexy,

I just came out of the shower. If we ever start living together, you're going to have to get used to my 3am, therapeutic showers. I'll try not to wake you, but chances are you're probably going to be nocturnal ass like me. In that case, feel free to join me! Bring your own towel!!

I like talking. No, really. Even if I'm going through bouts of my many, horrible mood-swings [I'm sorry.] and am giving you the silent treatment, I would love talking to you. Here's a hint, Hoegaarden Rosée. I'm short-tempered, short, annoyingly impulsive, and indecisive. I might want to buy a puppy one day and a hamster the next. Fact, I get bored very easily. 

I actually give a fuck about Oxford commas, spelling, and those funny looking diacritics. Also, I just Googled the French alphabet to find out what those things are called. I'm an occasional grammar Nazi and if you text me with perfect spelling, I'll love you even more. Details, baby, details!

Dude, I have to be clear with you. I'm not going to change my relationship status on Facebook. I'm not going to write things along the lines of "I LOVE AND MISH YOU MY BABY CRABSTICK PUDDING CHOCOLATE DIM SUM CHEESY WEDGES HUNNY BUNNY" on your wall. The furthest I'll go is using a picture of us as my profile pic, captioned with something very ambiguous. Something that will probably just frustrate other people with questions like "Are they together are they not!?"

But honestly, who gives a damn what they think?

Musical compatibility. I can't stress this enough. Know how other people set things like capacity to bring flowers, remembering dates, not being a cheating asshole etc etc as relationship criterion? Yeah well, I would love it if we could bond over our love for indie pop, lounge music and our pretentious elitism when it comes to EDM. Usage of the word "EDM" and knowing the distinction between trance/house/techno earns you brownie points. Oh, but cheat on me and you can go to hell, bro.

Smarts and the like. If you can help me learn something new everyday without making me feel so inferior and stupid, then wow. Give me a fun fact everyday! I've always wanted a human OMG Facts walking around.

I'm not gonna remember dates. Screw monthiversaries. If we make it past the 11th month, I'll give you the honour of picking a random date to celebrate anniversaries, at least. When it comes to bills, I say we split it. Chivalry is charming but no, just..NO.. We can work things out together. 

You'll probably flit between being very bored and very annoyed with me. We're going to have a tempestuous, emotionally tiring thing. Occasionally, you'll hear me rambling on about LGBT rights, Star Wars, or maybe how I wish my hair was as lovely as Sephiroth's. I recognize not, the fictional in fictional characters.

If we can play Call of Duty together and make jokes about how I should be in the kitchen making you a sandwich, that would be kind of cute. But if you try actual chauvinism with me, I will make you miss Father's Day for the rest of your life.

I hope you can deal with this gargantuan pile of insecurity that I'll frequently drag into our lives. I'm heavily insecure about my looks and I should warn you up front that it can't be fixed, but you can try..because I'm an attention whore..No, really.. Save your breath because your "But you're fine!"s are only going to be met with incredulity.

I get hungry at night a lot..I like beaches, alcohol, looking good in a dress, Epic Meal Time, being acne-free and I think Gareth Pugh is a genius. I drink scotch and swear like a motherfricking sailor. I don't care much for dressing up and looking glam, but I definitely try though. Seriously, I'm probably gonna be your bro-type of hoe. Oops. Did I go too far? I have a tendency to run past the border between decent and inappropriate alot. I apologize in advance for those days I might squarely call your mum a bitch.

I hope you can drive [MANUAL = HOT] and I hope you have a car. 

Although honestly, you just have to be real.


Love, 
Ezri.

List for the underachiever.

Now Listening : Foster The People - I Would Do Anything for You.

20 Things I Must Do
20 Things I Will Do

20 Things I'll Probably Do Once I Get Off My Lazy Chair

1. Substitute Facebook with additional CRACKED reading time.
Let's face the facts. Going on Facebook is as beneficial as using a double edged to carve "SPINELESS" on my forehead. Having my newsfeed being swallowed by a plethora of supposedly motivational posters [Edited, unrelated image = check. Quote promoting idiocy = check.], half my flist waxing lyrical on being tormented by lingering feelings for their ex. Meh. If I needed that, I'll just read my own blog posts thankyou. Why Cracked? Because my Thought Catalog quota per day should be limited, that place is depressing.

2. Learn Cantonese.
There seems to be a glaring language barrier between some of my students and I. Sigh.

3. Complete my reading list.
About 6 books? Yeah, that sounds right.

4. Learn how to train my dog
Right now, Jack, Roofie and Tamara's capacities for understanding me are limited to sitting down only after I've whacked their bums and yelled "SIIITTT LAHHH". It's a wonder why they haven't came after my ass yet..

That's about it.. This list is a short one probably because currently, I'm almooooost in a virtually-free-of-Important-Schtuff-To-Do stage.

Why yes, that's a plus point that comes with being in a transitional phase. Pre-U to undergrad, baby!

hello!

 

I had my braces put on. I don't think I look that bad. Cant help the constipated, teethless smile though. Lol. And a pic of my sister. She can be so cute sometimes.

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Results came out today. I can't thank God enough. I love you so much, Lord. Thank you, thank you. Thank you so so much.

Asking the right questions.

Now Listening : Hellogoodbye - Here In Your Arms

Which is worse, failing or never trying?
Failing if you failed, never trying if you didn't. Save for pot though, the failure lies in not trying... :D

If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?

I like going to concerts and I'd like to be at Pacha Ibiza parties but I can't. Time constraints, financial constraints. Given the change though, I would. As for the things I don't like doing, they're called "responsibilities".

When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?

I hope not but I'm only human after all. Besides, I don't think I'll ever be singing on Mars wearing a neon-coloured hazmat suit in one lifetime.

What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?

Fast food. I'm not kidding, I hate fast food.

If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?

Humanitarian work! I love helping, I love making people happy. If all that fails, I'll make a career as a professional cat-exterminator. I hate cats.

Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?

Too soon to be tell.

If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
...Would have gotten braces a little sooner? I'm honestly not sure.

To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken? 

I think people choose their own fate, but that doesn't stop the universe from playing 'Troll or SENT FROM GOD.'

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?

Doing things right. I don't usually do the right things. Lol.

You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?

"I don't know, she's okay with me." I could launch a tirade flat-out calling them bitches and how they should be ashamed of themselves etc. but honestly, does anyone do that?

If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?

Trust actions, not words, my young Padawan.

Would you break the law to save a loved one?

No questions asked.

Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?

My parents were pretty insane for deciding to keep me [I was supposed to be adopted] but lookie me nao!

What’s something you know you do differently than most people?

I am.

How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
Different strokes for different folks.

What one thing have you not done that you really want to do? What’s holding you back?

Plenty.. Scuba-diving, bake an almost-perfect cake, meet Nigella Lawson, buy a new console and also...I'm just gonna give in to my spinelessness and say I really want..a boyfriend. Not that I feel incomplete without one but I guess I..would just like to try being in something that gives me effervescent giddiness, makes a few screws go loose. Someone to watch Star Was marathons with! Something not unrequited, something amazing. Someone to dump a crapload of love on. Lol.

Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
Some days.

If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?

GOTHAM CITY. DON'T TELL ME IT'S FICTIONAL OKAY.

Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?

It's as pointless as moving your mouse around clicking things when your computer hangs.

Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?

Joyful genius.

Why are you, you?

Because my parents wanted me to become a prophet.

Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?

I try to be. I wouldn't have stayed this long if I didn't.

Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?

Definitely the latter. The hurt literally hits close to home.

What are you most grateful for?
God in my life.

Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?

Life move forwards, so you go figure.

Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?

THE TRUTH IS I LET THE DOGS OUT.

Has your greatest fear ever come true?
Yes. I lost a loved one.

Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?

I don't even remember.

What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
Going cycling alone and having the brightest idea of strapping my teddy bears to the ties, tumbling down the motherfricking slope. It's special because I TOOK THE DAMN BULLET FOR MY TEDDY BEARS AND I STILL HAVE THE SCARS. I REGRET NOTHING.

At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?

January was pretty good. It's nice to feel like you have someone who cares about you just as much as you care about them. Note : Feel. It was a good month for everything, honestly.

If not now, then when?
When your mum comes into town.

If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?

The possibility of falling short.

Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
No, I really like talking. Even if it annoys the hell out of the other person.

Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
Because you have too many people who place their faith in religion and not in God.

Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?

Subject matters.

If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
Nope. Exchange rate very unstable lah.

Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?

Less work, kthxbai I'm lazy.

Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?

About 200 days in a year.

When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
A long, long time ago. Pretty sure I came back with the gratification of taking a guy's first kiss. Lol.

If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?

I'd send a text to everyone I love saying I'm gonna put a bullet through my head soon. They all come and try to stop me. TADA, I don't even need to leave the house.

Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?

Well, I don't really think you can make much memories from 70 to 80.. but no.

What is the difference between being alive and truly living?
"To live is to go out there and experience, not sit around pondering about the meaning of life."

When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?

The time is always now.

If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?

Because you don't get to the learning part without going through the guilt, anger, hurt, annoyance, grudge-holding etc etc.

What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?

Throw popcorn at people who make out in the movies. I would add more caramel.

When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
A few weeks back. I had this "he he he he he I'm alive" look on my face.

What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?

Ice-cream. I've expressed my love by devouring them. 4 Cornettos are now a part of me.

In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?

Definitely! I got my braces put on yesterday, ya'll.

Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?

I'm making them for myself but putting too many opinions into consideration ._.

C'mon. Pick yourself up. Move on, this will be over in no time.

Cantik.

Kau terindah, 
masih ada.
Yang tercantik, 
itu kamu.

Cantik. Yang cantik itu apa? Kata yang membawa maksud kosong. Tidak bermakna. Gunalah. Guna kalau tiada kata lain. Kan kau ni suka bermain dengan kata? Bermain dengan hati. Kau ni memang macam ni.

NAH

Please have something to fill up with word-filled void of..words. Guddammit.

Hello August.

Now Listening :  Maroon 5 - Nothing Lasts Forever

Ezrianne read "Kat Dennings shows MAJOR cleavage at movie premiere."

Ezrianne read  "Nude photos of Carly Rae-Jepsen surfaces."

Oops. Maybe it was a bad idea of activating the social reading option in HuffPost. I wonder what would my [Insert intimidating amount] family members on FB think? Meh.

CALL ME MAYBE..
is a ridiculously catchy song that sounds like what I can only assume is a horrible mix of something along the lines of Skye Sweetnam and Generic Disney Teen Star. Week after week, I found said horrible tune digging deeper into my head, wrapping its glittery, bubblegum-pop fingers around my nerves and and and...I CAVED. I downloaded the song and OH GOD, the satisfaction [and thereafter, SHAME] that accompanied me was unimaginable.

But because I'm such a wannabe hipster chick, I deleted the song. MAINSTREAM POLLUTING MY iTUNES, OH NOES.

Okay, not really. It just got boring after 50+ listens.

My job at Kumon starts tomorrow. I hope I don't scare the kids away or worst case scenario, poke a kid's eye with a red pen out of rage.

I hope.

*looks back at previous posts*

Someone who loves me enough to hurt me,

PLEASE FIND MY DAMN SPINE AND REATTACH IT BACK TO ME, USE A FLIPPING SCREW, METAL RULER AND MEASURING TAPE IF YOU HAVE TO JUST GET IT DONE AND I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER. THANK YOU.

Seeee, this is why I consider myself (still) not ready for any relationships. I'm gonna just eat cake, teach kids and play with my dogs instead PPFFFFFT.