Pearl Jam - Last Kiss
I have confessions to make. They're not in chronological order because my brains's over-flooded with things to say but can't say because I. Just. Cannot. Like I said, FIA-mode is not there anymore, and I'm forced to be a suppress everything and be subservient.
I don't like being meek.
Un] I hate it when my sister comes back. And no, I don't mean typical I-Don't-Want-To-Shareeeeeee type of hate but I mean intensely livid type of hate. This is strong, I know. But ffs, do I really need a +1 in my already strained relationship with my family? No, I'd rather claw my eyes out with a USB port. See, when she comes back, what seems to be a perfect day promptly turns upside down and starts biting itself.
The farcical comparisions and finger-wagging, even Miss Too-Busy-Wearing-Earphones get tired of them. This sounds rude [IT IS], but I just wish they'd F- off sometimes.
Inner monologue : Leave me alone, just for your betterment, okay? Take your biased parents, conceited puppy-bitch, and happy-family themed home decor and go away. Better yet, kick me out! Believe it or not, I really don't wanna blow up in front of the
deux] The age ol' lines; "Why can't you be more like your sister??" or "Look at your sister, she's [insert positive adjectives]."
I wonder if my mum knows how much it hurts to know that your parents wish you were more like someone else. To know that they want you to change to be like God-Knows-Who. It's sorta like mental plastic surgery, you dig? True, they're only saying this with the intention of trying to get you to become a better person but what if you don't want to change? What if that resistance to change is inevitable? That God wants you to be like this, the person you're so accustomed to being. Not some ex-public phone junkie :P
I get it lahh, she's pretty and she's [suddenly] really smart and she's nice to everyone and she doesn't come off a cold bitch to everyone. Granted, she's a good example BUT I'm incapable of being her. I just can't lie to myself like that.. I could get a million plastic surgeries or get umm, Matt Parkman to tamper with my head like he did to Sylar but at the end of the day,
I'm still me. I'm not Eddy, I'm Ezzie.
I'm not the one who likes stupid Tamil movies;
the one who won Best Speaker by cheating her arse through 4 times;
I'm certainly not the one who's had what seems like 5 boyfriends and still gets hit on by [get this] Iranian guys;
not the smart smart one who studies;
not that bitch people think she's not.
NOT the person my parents want me to emulate.
Hell To The No.
I'm the one
who loves video games more than anything;
the one who didn't even bother to audition for debate tryouts because she felt so insecure;
the one that doesn't even like guys anymore. [I'm not gay, it's just that I feel very disconnected with my SO right now :];
the one who did a 180 degree turns from being the smart one who doesn't study to the stupid one that studies, and still fails;
the one that comes off across as a cold bitch, but is actually a pretty nice person. <- FMS, I hope :)
Inner Monologue Response: Here's a thought, I'M NOT HER. I will never be like her. You can't make me and even you threatened to throw me off a cliff wrapped in a wire gauze. Grr.
trois] I wonder why she's being so deep. It scares me to bits but I hope she's all right. She's still my friend, I love her and things are pretty cool right now. I hope she'll be okay, whatever happens. At least we'll all be here for her.
quatre] I have obviously grown up in a family where merely stating an obvious fact [which I like doing] can't be condoned because it's rude. No shiet. Saying "She didn't want to send me, she said it was too late. Why didn't you just send me?" has the rude equivalent as saying "You insane bitch. Why didn't you just bloody send me? WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU YOU IMBECILE" to a normal person.
*shrugs*
Problématique des personnes
Cinq] She's right. Be a neutral person. Condone not, condemn not.
Six] I'm not offended. Seriously. Please stop apologizing, you're making me feel bad! :( It isn't your fault. We're different, I understand that more than ever. Tis not thy fault
Sept] My ear bled just now :\ I'm not gonna tell them. They'll probably just shrug it off saying it's a stress thing. That happens to be my official reason for everything. Brilliant. Other than that, I've pre-diagnosed myself, I shall be a Carpal-Tunnel Syndrome sufferer. Apparently, index finger twitching is a symptom. And here I thought only my wrists and thumb were gonna get affected. There goes my career in medicine. AND. Gastrointestinal cancer. Joy.
Huit] RA-RA-VICTORIAAA, WE'RE NUMBER WA-A-ONE, RA-RA-VICTORIAAAAA! LOL.
Neuf] She doesn't wanna listen. Thick skull she's got, but meh. I'm too damn numb to care. She has always been like that, that girl. Oh wells. That's part of her..urr.. charm? Yes.
Dix] I will not resort to cutting myself. Just hand me over a goddamn therapist and I'll be fine :D Or make me a Don't Stop Believin' playlist, okay?
Onze] Shotgun. I will not see the sunshine. It ain't easy being hard.
