Barney is Quote-licious

Barney: Jesus waited THREE days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited ONE day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard he died. They'd be all, "Hey Jesus, what up?" and Jesus would probably be like, "What up? I DIED yesterday!" and they'd be all, "Uhh, you look pretty alive to me, dude..." and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and the dude'd be like "Uhh okay, whatever you say, bro..." And he's not gonna come back on a SATURDAY. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' the beard, NO. He waited the perfect number of days, THREE. Plus it's SUNDAY, so everyone's in church already, and they're all in there like "Oh no, Jesus is DEAD, and then BAM! He bursts in the back door, runnin' up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high five. That's why we wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.

Marshall: Oh, oh, he texted back! [reading Ted's text message for "Holli"] "I probably shouldn't tell you this, I mean, we barely know each other, but what the hell, I'll just say it..."

Barney: "Dude, here comes the "I love you!"

Marshall: [pause] "I wish Stan were here."

Barney: "Stan..."

Marshall: "Whoa!"

Barney: "What?"

Marshall: [still reading Ted's text message for "Holli"] "I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend."

Barney: [reading the text again] "I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend?"

Marshall: "Why in the world would Ted text a girl he barely knows that he sometimes has gay dreams about me?"

Barney: "Whoa, whoa, slow your roll. You? He's clearly talking about me."

Marshall: Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend."

Barney: Ok. One, that has never been proven. Two, if anyone were to have gay dreams about one of us, it would be me. I mean look at me. Now look at you. A still-in-the-closet 80 year old wouldn't be into that mess."

Marshall: "Here's the thing Barney. I'm snuggly, you're not. Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning? Wrapped in a comforter, it's raining outside, and there's muffins warming in the oven. I'm cuddly bitch, deal with it!"

Barney: "I work out every day. If there is one thing we know about Ted, it's that he likes a nice body. This body would rock his world!"

Marshall: "Ted and I have a history. I know what he likes. There are things I could do to him that would blow his mi... [pause] Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?"

I-i-i-i-i love this show