Spaced, Madly.

----------------
Resonate: Gavin DeGraw - Belief

To whomever reading this, know that I love you.

Because I'm awake at 2.31a.m. Because my face is red and dark and hot. Because of my wet keyboard. Because I miss my brother all too much. Because I'm going to miss KJJ. Because I'm going to miss all of them. Because I'm a mess. Because all I want to do now is tell everyone how much I love them. Because I can't put it verbally, I'm telling you now, I love you.

You don't need to know me. Hell, you've just stumbled here by Googling FFXII for all I know. But because I could go any time, even though I don't want to, I just need to get one thing laid down. I love all of you. And I'll miss you even if I've never met you.

I'm tired with the straight face attitude. I'm not strong, I can't keep saying "It'll be okay" because I don't know that although there's a huge part of me, no matter how much I try to push away, keeps coming back to tell me one thing, it's going to anything but okay and I'm going to go through hell next year without familiar faces. Like I've said before, I'm not like some people, I can't/don't make friends easily but if I did, they'll last for so long that when it's actually time to go, I can't bring myself to say goodbye because it hurts too much like having 1/2 of your breathing cut short.

I'm not strong, I'm only pretending.

Remember last year on May 1st? When I was fine at church. I was holding a basket full of flowers, and I smiled like everything was okay. I even said "Duty calls".

That was a lie.

'If I put on my strong face on, they would look at me and say "If she can be strong, why can't I?" and stop crying.'

But I couldn't afterwards and I failed. I cried and became angry with myself because I allowed myself to look so weak and vulnerable and I didn't do enough to make anyone feel better.

I don't mind crying alone. I mind everyone else crying alone.

This is a curse. But I'm only human.

Right?

Sorry you're such a sap, self.