Don't you see? I'm going to feel indebted. For every moment I am to look at it all bright and burnished, the deeper my feelings of insecurity are going to plunge. I need to comport myself with just a little bit of dignity. Too damned materialistic, too damned unsatisfied.
It's true when I say I'd be much more grateful if I worked my own arse off for it. A 2 month stint at a bakery or computer shop would've sufficed. I was only merely unlucky to have asked at what seemed like 8ish shops only to go back being slapped in the face with different ways of saying "We're full." and "We only want Chinese-speaking people".
Screw it. I should've totally learnt to speak Cantonese when I was in school.
Naw, you're not that unenlightened, self.
It feels wrong in pokey ways because I...didn't do as well. I wasn't a stupid person who did reasonably well. Quite the fucking contrary, actually. Leave it, I need to leave this behind. It's like an ego-catering paralysis.
I'm stupid, unlucky, jobless and studying. Bonne chance to me.
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