Bella Swan Syndrome

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Now playing: Kaskade feat. Mindy Gledhill - Eyes

At the beginning of this month, I typed a Facebook update with the gist of it revolving around how much I didn't want March to 'troll' me as much as February did because in all seriousness, February was a pretty MEH month. Judging by the number of Likes I got, I think it's safe to say that February was trolling quite a number of people ;)

Right. Why of all words, MEH?

I was very certain that from the start, February was anything but good, let alone would I use MEH to describe it. I was certain that if February was to be distinguished by other months in this whole year, it was going to have the reputation as the...worst of the lot.

Yeah, February 2012 was kind of a bitch. If February was a teenage girl, she would be the kind who completely ruined your high school life and left you scarred with the inability to connect with others for the rest of your college and adult life. Look at her name, for Chrissake. IT'S FEBRUARY! Doesn't that bring about an iffy attitude and the knowledge [no, not intuition] that it was going to be a bad month?

It did. In fact that hatred for February went well past through the entire month, deepening with each day till the 29th when I waxed on my distaste in a simple status update.

So, why all that anger?

Well, I had almost lost someone very important to me. I went through a heartbreak which just kept on dragging and dragging like dirty tracks. I couldn't find an answer nor did I want to come out of that rut. The only thing that I saw fit doing was pining after that certain someone and just praying with all my words that he changed his mind. Even when I was constantly being bombarded with the fact that he had his head screwed on tight, I was very adamant in torturing myself. To me, I was sure that God was going to look at me and think "Okay, I'll change his mind, she really seems depressed."

Yeah. Basically, I had the Bella Swan syndrome.

I felt lonely too. Too lonesome. The loneliness that hits you at your weakest and demands all your attention, all your tears and all your damn frustration for having chosen a place to study where you knew absolutely no one. The loneliness that doesn't hit especially on Valentine's Day, but a loneliness that hits for weeks on long by every trivial thing possible. My friend went out with her coursemates, I felt alone. My friends were going clubbing, I felt alone. That certain someone didn't text me as much as he did last time, I FELT ALONE.

Putting it on text now makes me laugh at how whiny and clingy I was. I admit, I'm not the strongest person to go through a lot of things but hell, I HAVE been through things worse than this. I wonder how could I have forgotten that I actually had a spine and that I could get my shit together and trudge forwards anyway. I have done it before, haven't I? Why did I succumb to all that dangerous mix of self-loathing and self-pity? Seriously, I went so low, I actually asked myself if I was too ugly for him.

I kid you not ._.
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Today, I just had a small..burst of intuition. ;D

..To be quite honest, I'm not having distinctively bad months or good months. By examining it closely, I realize that yes, I cried every months. But didn't I laugh as well? They're balanced. You can't have a perfect week or a perfect month. It simply does not exist. Again, I feel quite..daft for only realizing this now but better late than never, I guess.

It's been a while since I've blogged this long. I do hope that I'll get to blogging more often. I miss the therapeutic pleasures of my little cyber sanctuary :)

I'll just leave something equally therapeutic here ;)