Now playing: Bassjackers - Mush Mush [Original Mix]
A few years ago, I planned a lot about the people I was going to meet, places I was going to go, the person I was going to become. I had meticulously crafted a plan following the general advice of "Plan on how you see yourself in 5 years." Me, being an overt perfectionist that I am, I planned 9 years ahead. I planned to study, to get into medical school, to not go places until after I was ready for that life and when free time wasn't a rare option but a commodity. I planned to get married, to even have 2 kids at one point. I planned to keep the strings that connect me with the people I had known that time untangled and unbroken. I planned to have this plan work out without any obstacles. I was driven, I was determined.
A few years later. I'm..here. There were some points that worked out well, I confess.
Medical school? Fuck that, I'm planning to do mathematics instead. I will be happier doing something I'm genuinely interested in and am genuinely good at.
That is..granted I come out of this rut still alive.
I'm at a point where I can't distinguish feelings anymore. I don't feel happy, neither do I feel sad. I feel empty and to me, that's just a lot worse. I seem to be stuck in my little, dark bubble. The void in which I continuously fill with the satisfaction of making people happy and helping them is deepening. It's getting bigger, but satisfaction is not.
Perhaps I'm just bored.
Perhaps I'm just lonely.
There seem to be a lot of friendly people around me and they seem genuinely intent on making me feel better. Instead of focusing on the events that they were there, I seem to scrutinizing the times when they weren't. I pray and wish that there would be someone. The someone who wouldn't mind if I frantically called them at 3am in hysteria. I'm very capable of doing that when I overthink things. The person who would be welcoming the first, second, third and even fourth time. The one whose amazing quality of making me feel so comfortable doesn't fade with each ensuing phone call.
Who wouldn't make me feel so terrible for being so.fucking. damaged. damned. whiny. clingy. annoying. problematic. lonesome.
Here, this person doesn't exist.
It seems to me, that you don't exist. Perhaps our paths have crossed and been blurred by time. I do not know.
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