I might still be.

I steal glances at my phone. Awkward, so very awkward. I smile to myself because it's mortifying. I resume watching Star Wars, we're at the scene where Darth Vader remarks how he finds Motti's faith disturbing. I smile again because that phone, that phone used to ring at unearthly hours in the morning and I would pick up anyway. I pick up to hear your stupid voice. Knowing the distinction between drunken sweet nothings and actual feelings didn't keep me from blurring the lines anyway. I reply texts so that I can keep you company..at unearthly hours in the morning. Sleep? What sleep? No one should feel lonely! I tell myself that because I have a compulsive need to justify the stupid things I know I'll regret doing. I am an idiot but and I have this undying urge to protect you and do anything within my means to keep you happy. That doesn't sound like love, that sounds like I'm your guard dog. But...I also want to eat ice-cream and watch Star Wars marathons and Epic Meal Time with you. It's beyond my understanding why things are so ridiculously different now This shouldn't be so hard. You fall, you get up, you get over, you move on and somehow or other, you stumble upon another poor soul.. But here I am, I'm paralyzed by fear. Or the comfort of lying to myself. Something's weighing me down. Is it the hope that maybe we'll start talking again?

Here, I can't say this on Facebook : I fucking miss you.


Hello mind, please reattach yourself to my spinal cord.