I wonder.

Now listening : Dario Marianelli - Dawn

I'm not sure how I feel about relationships anymore.
I've always questioned whether putting a label on things was an ordered requirement. Unlike most people I know, I don't see the necessity in attaching a label to a boy and a girl engaged in mutual interest. In another case, it isn't rare that I roll my eyes and mentally facepalm at the sight of anyone updating their FB with "Blah is in a relationship with BlahBlah". Maybe I'm too superstitious for my own good but personally, I think publicly letting people know is just a deathwish right there.

Publicity aside, is that type of affirmation really that important though? In retrospect, would my "love life" [Even saying this makes me cringe..ugh] have been remarkably different if say, I'd been more clear on my intentions earlier? Not saying that I didn't have my doubts at first, of course. But maybe if I stopped floating around and dragged us back to solid ground with a solid "I like you" or "I've fallen for you", maybe things would've turned out alright. What could've been the worst response anyway?

"I like you."

"I'm gay, I was just experimenting with you to see if I'm bisexual. I'm not, by the way. you were just a terrible kisser!"

"I like you."

"Fuck no."

"I've fallen for you."

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHA........serious?"

I can't help but to wonder what is it that went wrong in both circumstances, sometimes. Within a span of year, it felt like I went through a tornado of flitting emotions with just two people. Oh wait, I DID. How did that happen? More importantly, what went wrong? Naturally, I looked at myself in blame at first. Maybe I was too spineless, too rude, too sensitive, too defensive, too clingy, suffocatingly caring. On the other hand, I had to admit, perhaps I was just too stubborn to admit I might have been played; terribly, twice. Pride denied me the permission to accept the fact that I was stupid, twice. For this, Ezri, you're probably going to lose completely the ability to love and become a robot. You're going to be doomed to roam this earth with your legion of German Shepherd puppies [I don't like cats] who'll end up deserting you anyway when a highly-probable zombie apocalypse happens. You can't die, you see. You are a heartless robot. You are not WALL-E.

Ugh. How unfair.

And then there's always the possibility that there was never anything wrong with them or me. Perhaps it's just not meant to be, period. Okay, obviously LAH.. [Mental voice just went ABUDEN?!] Nonetheless, do I really need to know the reason why? I've come a long way, I've come along fine; albeit terribly at first. Will a reason why feelings changed give me that final piece of closure I need? What good would that get me? Doubtlessness? I'm doing fine now, aren't I? Shaadddap, that was rhetorical.

Hell, what if I can't handle the actual truth? Oh yeah, you see what I did there :D
When I mean actual, I don't mean "I have problems.", I mean the hard-hitting truth that might just tie up all loose ends and give a closing chapter to an unfinished business.

Nahhh, I reckon I can handle it.. But I know for a fact that it's not something I'm going to receive anywhere in the near possible future. If anything, I'd be lucky if I even get any explanation at all. From the both of you. You with the girl, and you potentially with a girl. And maybe by the time I do, my German Shepherd puppy army would be with me, ready to unleash a can of ass-kicking on them.

Okay, I'm kidding.

I'll just let them pounce.

So, in all honesty..if I had been clear on my intentions and just went for the "I laaaiikkkkeee you.", would it have made a difference? Sigh. The answer's stuck at 'maybe' which isn't at all helpful. I guess I'll just have to wait for the next guy I fall for.

Hopefully, that'll be a long time from now.
I'm actually in a pretty damn fucking good position right now anyway. (;