A Letter to the Future God-Knows-Who

Because I'm bored.

Because I sat through a cutesy conversation about The 3 Words.

Because I kind of felt left out.

LOL.

Because sometimes I wish there was someone to keep the boredom away at unearthly hours in the morning.

Because I know not many people I know are going to read this. :P

A Letter to the Future God-Knows-Who

Dear I-Hope-Your-Name-Is-Easy-To-Spell-And-Made-Of-1000-Modes-Of-Sexy,

I just came out of the shower. If we ever start living together, you're going to have to get used to my 3am, therapeutic showers. I'll try not to wake you, but chances are you're probably going to be nocturnal ass like me. In that case, feel free to join me! Bring your own towel!!

I like talking. No, really. Even if I'm going through bouts of my many, horrible mood-swings [I'm sorry.] and am giving you the silent treatment, I would love talking to you. Here's a hint, Hoegaarden Rosée. I'm short-tempered, short, annoyingly impulsive, and indecisive. I might want to buy a puppy one day and a hamster the next. Fact, I get bored very easily. 

I actually give a fuck about Oxford commas, spelling, and those funny looking diacritics. Also, I just Googled the French alphabet to find out what those things are called. I'm an occasional grammar Nazi and if you text me with perfect spelling, I'll love you even more. Details, baby, details!

Dude, I have to be clear with you. I'm not going to change my relationship status on Facebook. I'm not going to write things along the lines of "I LOVE AND MISH YOU MY BABY CRABSTICK PUDDING CHOCOLATE DIM SUM CHEESY WEDGES HUNNY BUNNY" on your wall. The furthest I'll go is using a picture of us as my profile pic, captioned with something very ambiguous. Something that will probably just frustrate other people with questions like "Are they together are they not!?"

But honestly, who gives a damn what they think?

Musical compatibility. I can't stress this enough. Know how other people set things like capacity to bring flowers, remembering dates, not being a cheating asshole etc etc as relationship criterion? Yeah well, I would love it if we could bond over our love for indie pop, lounge music and our pretentious elitism when it comes to EDM. Usage of the word "EDM" and knowing the distinction between trance/house/techno earns you brownie points. Oh, but cheat on me and you can go to hell, bro.

Smarts and the like. If you can help me learn something new everyday without making me feel so inferior and stupid, then wow. Give me a fun fact everyday! I've always wanted a human OMG Facts walking around.

I'm not gonna remember dates. Screw monthiversaries. If we make it past the 11th month, I'll give you the honour of picking a random date to celebrate anniversaries, at least. When it comes to bills, I say we split it. Chivalry is charming but no, just..NO.. We can work things out together. 

You'll probably flit between being very bored and very annoyed with me. We're going to have a tempestuous, emotionally tiring thing. Occasionally, you'll hear me rambling on about LGBT rights, Star Wars, or maybe how I wish my hair was as lovely as Sephiroth's. I recognize not, the fictional in fictional characters.

If we can play Call of Duty together and make jokes about how I should be in the kitchen making you a sandwich, that would be kind of cute. But if you try actual chauvinism with me, I will make you miss Father's Day for the rest of your life.

I hope you can deal with this gargantuan pile of insecurity that I'll frequently drag into our lives. I'm heavily insecure about my looks and I should warn you up front that it can't be fixed, but you can try..because I'm an attention whore..No, really.. Save your breath because your "But you're fine!"s are only going to be met with incredulity.

I get hungry at night a lot..I like beaches, alcohol, looking good in a dress, Epic Meal Time, being acne-free and I think Gareth Pugh is a genius. I drink scotch and swear like a motherfricking sailor. I don't care much for dressing up and looking glam, but I definitely try though. Seriously, I'm probably gonna be your bro-type of hoe. Oops. Did I go too far? I have a tendency to run past the border between decent and inappropriate alot. I apologize in advance for those days I might squarely call your mum a bitch.

I hope you can drive [MANUAL = HOT] and I hope you have a car. 

Although honestly, you just have to be real.


Love, 
Ezri.