Monophobia

Can you lie next to her
and give her your heart, your heart?
As well as your body
And can you lie next to her
and confess your love, your love?
As well as your folly
And can you kneel before this king
and say "I'm clean", "I'm clean"?

But tell me now where was my fault,
in loving you with my whole heart?
Oh, tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?

Her white blank page
and a swelling rage, rage
You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink
You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections

-- Mumford & Sons - White Blank Page

There isn't anyone watching me, waiting for me to fall. Nor is there anyone passing judgmental stares anymore. I'm not visibly alone. Not as how I was when I used to eat lunch alone and wonder how one earth did I end up like that, not as how I was when I took walks alone at 11pm just to avoid seeing people who didn't look like they felt the same. I seem to have transcended into a new level of this state. The hate and fear burns intensely, the shutaway feelings stronger than ever. I'm beginning to love and loathe this at the same thing. "Loneliness is so underrated!" It echoes in my head too much because I need to justify why I'm in this time and place feeling like people have deserted me though they haven't. I'm beginning to realize that I might have been subconsciously loving the idea of being lonely after all. "Less people in your life means more love to go around!!" But what if there isn't anyone left at all? You have all this love to give and no one to give it to. You're not going to give it to yourself, you have this need to project those feelings to someone else. What if you have no one to love?

Yes, I hate being lonely and I'm afraid of it.