"I'd dream of you if I could fall asleep."

Maybe it's just that I'm being terribly ungrateful. Maybe it's because I've for so long confused what I thought I had with what I wanted. Perhaps I just want something (or someone) to go right this time because the art of hoping and being let down has become somewhat too exhausting. The paradox of feeling like I have everything and nothing at the same time is slowly but constantly eating away at my soul.

I'm not happy;
I do, so badly, want to be happy.
It's not even a matter of feeling happy, there's something very delusional and elementary about that. I  want to BE happy. A complete state.
Wanting is one thing; needing is another and getting is a different story altogether, of course. I've been bowing my head, folding my hands in supplication to the Lord. "I know happiness isn't going to magically appear, but would You at least take this hurt away slowly?" because I've been running out of options.

I don't know if it's because I haven't been trying hard enough or because I don't even know what it is to try hard when it comes to something like this. A useless dam holding thoughts that eventually decide to break everything in its way and flood me into a state of insecurity and fear.

You send me people but why do they end up leaving? You teach me the value of love and comfort and how much sacrifices go a long way and yet why, why do they walk out without any discernible reasons? I know I'm whining but honestly, how is it even possible that I can feel so lonely?
You gave me all this love, would you at least give me a chance to give someone else that? You know exactly what I mean.

And then I remember how thankless I'm being. That You have stayed in my life, even before I was even thought of being created. You've held my hand through worse, and yet here I am complaining.

It's like being stuck in a permanent mould with not a chance the world to change. Why am I like this?

Flitting moments and impermanent people. Stupidity that is almost always accompanied with regrets.

C'est la vie.

Dear God, teach me how to love. I must be doing it wrong.

Stay.