Why am I so sad all the time? ._.

Now playing : Interpol - You Take on a Cruise

Do you know? I'm trying not to deal with Hope. Hope comes with Expectations, Expectations rarely gets along with Reality. All it takes is a call, a text; a trigger. A trigger that I'm not quite willing to pull. It's frustrating to feel hopeless, without hope, or even both at the same time. Do you know? It took me exactly 9 months to understand why they were so distinct. The cloudy patterns in my mind stop drifting lazily, they came together forming a bitter conclusion.

It's not that I don't want to love or trust someone again. It's that I find myself inching five steps away every one step I come close to believing that something can go right. I've been down this road before; the facade that everything is aligned exactly where it's supposed to be, the board has stopped moving, you're stagnant, or slowly progressing in a pace and direction in your favour. But one step is all it takes to subvert that, of course. And suddenly you find yourself tumbling off. Someone cut your rope; your lifeline. It's dark and lonelier than ever now. Claw your way out, claw till your nails start bleeding and your skin starts peeling. You're exhausted but it's okay, Perseverance holds you by the hands and leads you out. It's bright again.

Things are alright now. It's not that dark anymore, the light is beautiful. It's making you smile slightly. Pause. It seems all too familiar. Disgustingly familiar. Why wouldn't it be?

After all, it was bright before you realized darkness folding in.

I have an overly active imagination that multiplies my stress by a tenfold, indeed.

Do you know?
I'm someone who actually bothers to wake up and reply texts and FB messages and answer calls. I'm someone who doesn't know the border between being a good friend and an overly attached one. Healthy or alarmingly engaged? I don't know the difference.
Naturally, I expect people to act the same way.
I hate how easily affected I get by the smallest of things.
I hate how my mind takes a simple situation and overanalyses it to hell.
I should stop attributing.
It's just that I'm really afraid. I know how my mind works, I can conclude it doesn't work the way I want it to :\

I'm going to get hurt again, aren't I?