I find it a little sad that the only time I'm bothered to update my blog is when I'm incredibly upset, when my Twitter feed is already being inundated with "WOE-IS-ME" updates and I, thinking I shouldn't add to that, resort to my little bastard stepchild of a blog to vent. I suck as a blogger, there I said it.
I was thinking of posting something on my semester break, in the midst of which I celebrated my *drum rolls* 20th year of existence! Then again, I remembered how I anologised my birthday : A really sad colour gradient of black and white, with no other colour in between. Basically, it ranged from boring to godawful to painfully awkward. Luckily, Aaron came to Ipoh and despite how our Penang plans got flushed down the proverbial toilet, he and I commemorated our 10th month together by making sinfully delicious hamburgers.
(Before you launch off thinking "Monthsaries, REALLY?!", it..really wasn't. They're just milestones, you know? I'm in my first relationship ever and these little things some people dismiss as stupid and redundant mean more than nothing to me. Benchmarks of how far you've come, little reminders. Still, I wouldn't do the whole "HAPPY 10TH MONTHSARY SWEETIE HERE'S A PICTURE OF US ON YOUR WALL AND I'LL PROCEED WITH GRATUITOUSLY POSTING I LOVE YOU 10 TIMES ON MY FACEBOOK")
The rest of my semester break was spent being guilt-tripped and that usually, okay no, ALWAYS ended with me caving into everyone else's demands, completely alienating my own wants and needs. Honestly, I could've gone and had a kickass time in Penang for my birthday had I not succumbed to their whole passive-aggressive, self-serving, guilt-tripping-you-to-hell agenda.
Anyhooooodle, 3 weeks passed and now I'm back for my second year. I'd never imagined 3 trimesters would pass staggeringly fast but it has. I'm thankful God was with me throughout every terrible day, every stinking lecture and lunch break I had to sit alone through, every tutorial question that had me wanting to rip out my hair, cramming for finals, my 7 week long mid-term and most importantly, the times I just wanted to give up and off myself. I'll admit I never noticed Him and the people He'd sent to me, I was always crying out asking why I felt so repudiated and ignored. In the spirit of being open [Annnnnd convinced no one is going to read this], I went so low I actually cut myself. I know, it's an immensely stupid act. I was immensely stupid. I was so engrossed by my own limitations and issues that I resorted to doing something completely unhelpful, swayed by the idea that cutting myself was some medium of coping and now, now I have scars to remind me of how my problems never went away until I got up and dealt with them, however weakly and with however small a success.
That's the thing, isn't it? We get so caught up with our problems we completely ignore the fact we're being helped. In some way or another, there's someone who WANTS to help you and probably is, a friend, a family member, God or at one point, my unsuspecting housemate. If I had turned to my best friends, my dad or Aaron, I wouldn't have felt so ostracized. I probably would've saved a lot of money buy anti-scarring creams as well har har.
The reason why I never actually wanted to talk about whatever difficulty I was having was because I'd always thought that people have their own issues to tend to and mine, however nerve-wracking, shouldn't be appended to their list. But they're people close to you for a reason, as you are to them. You've been placed in their life for a reason and vice versa. You might be their voice of optimism while they provide you a humbling sense of realism. They have PS3s, you have an Xbox.
I'm not saying relationships should be based on barter system, of course. Far from that. What I'm saying is that there's absolutely nothing wrong in talking to someone. Never ever be persuaded into thinking that it's not okay to not be okay [Holy triple negative] and that the people closest to you WILL judge you for being so. You trust them for a reason, as they you. Talk, when you feel lonely. Talk when you feel helpless. Talk, even if it's not a cry for help. Talk to them about their days. Talk to them about that funny time a barista misspelled your name.
Never ever stop trying to keep that relationship intact.
There's nothing wrong with that. You're doing good.
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