1.5

Mummy and Anya (that's what I call my dad) sat me down for a Serious Talk, this time concerning my admittedly terrible sleep habits. I'd been oversleeping too frequently and as my new semester is approaching rapidly, they've cast aside their "Let her rest"s and traded in for "We are disappointed. Why are you not getting better?"s.

Of course, my first instinct would have to go on the defensive but knowing my parents, that would backfire.

So I just sat there for half an hour, nodding appropriately and as if by default programming, answering "Yes" or "No" when they asked why I wouldn't talk.

Oh, I don't know. Maybe it feels like I have a gun pointed to my head while you yell "YOU BETTER FUCKING TELL ME ALL YOUR PROBLEMS SO HELP ME GOD I WILL SHOOT YOUR BRAINS OUT." 

It was a catch 22 situation, I couldn't not talk about it but when I did, you would just tell me that I am not trying and I am deliberately pushing myself down.

I felt like a failure. A disappointment. A stain that marred their life. A depreciating asset.

I was actually chanting "Inhale positivity, exhale anger!" in my head and it seemed to have help :)

I'm gonna level with you guys. Yes, I have a terrible sleeping habit. I'm actually writing this at 4am so my point is pretty much proven.

I'm not sure how I can even begin to explain and believe me, this isn't me justifying my bad habits:

When I oversleep, it's not a matter of waking up and hitting snooze 15 times (like I used to do before I started seeing my psychiatrist). The problem is that I can't even get up at all. My dreams are very vivid and in them, I've already woken up and began to go about my day but in physical reality, I'm still in bed. It's like a mechanism that my brain activates to trick me into sleeping more. These dreams aren't sleep paralysis, but they're paralysing all the same.

I've decided to call Dr. S tomorrow to see if it's a side-effect and if it is, why the bleeping hell hasn't it subsided?!

Till then, I suppose I have to bite my lip and hope I get up before 10 tomorrow.