I don't

I find sitting on my couch, binge-watching TV shows to be a form of catharsis for me. There's something pleasant about purging all your thoughts and zoning out to characters in a box, giving you a sense of superiority in sneering at the stupid decisions they make. Of course, this comes with happy ignorance that those characters are modeled after real people who also make terrible, self-destructive decisions. Like me. Maybe even you.

Lately though, I haven't been able to 'zone out' as much as I want. You could chalk it up to having a full load of subjects, rinsing and repeating between studying for tests and studying for finals. But I don't think that's it. It's rather that I've reached a point of diminishing returns on how cathartic TV shows are for me. Now, I just see myself in every broken character, every stupid decision and the result is that I'm utterly consumed with so much self-loathing, it's exhausting.

Not being dramatic, really. I just don't really know how to deal with "being okay" and still having the unwanted residue of depression hanging over me every single second. I don't remember what it feels like to look in the mirror and say "Hey, you're gonna do well!" anymore. I don't remember when it was the last time I bothered to look good for myself, let alone anyone else. I couldn't care less at this point because why not? Why does it matter? This hole inside me is filled with a viscous, toxic hate that's chewing at every strand, every fibre of my being and it just seems like it won't stop until I'm pushed off the edge completely.

Now, I don't know if I will actually Jump Off The Edge, it's not that I don't want to sometimes. I think it's more that I don't even love myself enough to give myself that break. If caught in a burning room and open window 16 floors above the ground, I would make my bed (on fire, no less) and lie on it. It's not apathy, it's that I will go all out to commit to this whole self-loathing bit.

It's so strange that even with all the exercising and meditating and general healthy lifestyle, I still feel like this. It's worse than feeling empty because you know you're okay, you know you're doing better now but you also know that this is it. This is the ceiling on the "How "okay" are you?" scale. I cannot do better than this and that's both terrifying and depressing. I want to be better, a better person to people around me, a better person to myself but it's akin to finding corners in a circle.

And with that amount of self-loathing, it's hard to see the people who surround me now being there in the future. Even now, I feel like this negativity and poison that I bring are only driving the ones who care about me further away. I don't blame them, really. I'm like an attention-craving puppy that always needs to hear "You're a good girl, yes you are!" in order to function. Despite numerous pep talks and happy wishes, I'm still the person so consumed by my past failures and unwilling to let go. I still fear that no one wants to be around this failure. This broken, fucked-up individual. I know that they care, but I also know that they can't be coming to put out fires I've gotten myself into again and again.

I suppose I know what it means to have everyone loving you but nobody liking you. Not even yourself.