I don't

I find sitting on my couch, binge-watching TV shows to be a form of catharsis for me. There's something pleasant about purging all your thoughts and zoning out to characters in a box, giving you a sense of superiority in sneering at the stupid decisions they make. Of course, this comes with happy ignorance that those characters are modeled after real people who also make terrible, self-destructive decisions. Like me. Maybe even you.

Lately though, I haven't been able to 'zone out' as much as I want. You could chalk it up to having a full load of subjects, rinsing and repeating between studying for tests and studying for finals. But I don't think that's it. It's rather that I've reached a point of diminishing returns on how cathartic TV shows are for me. Now, I just see myself in every broken character, every stupid decision and the result is that I'm utterly consumed with so much self-loathing, it's exhausting.

Not being dramatic, really. I just don't really know how to deal with "being okay" and still having the unwanted residue of depression hanging over me every single second. I don't remember what it feels like to look in the mirror and say "Hey, you're gonna do well!" anymore. I don't remember when it was the last time I bothered to look good for myself, let alone anyone else. I couldn't care less at this point because why not? Why does it matter? This hole inside me is filled with a viscous, toxic hate that's chewing at every strand, every fibre of my being and it just seems like it won't stop until I'm pushed off the edge completely.

Now, I don't know if I will actually Jump Off The Edge, it's not that I don't want to sometimes. I think it's more that I don't even love myself enough to give myself that break. If caught in a burning room and open window 16 floors above the ground, I would make my bed (on fire, no less) and lie on it. It's not apathy, it's that I will go all out to commit to this whole self-loathing bit.

It's so strange that even with all the exercising and meditating and general healthy lifestyle, I still feel like this. It's worse than feeling empty because you know you're okay, you know you're doing better now but you also know that this is it. This is the ceiling on the "How "okay" are you?" scale. I cannot do better than this and that's both terrifying and depressing. I want to be better, a better person to people around me, a better person to myself but it's akin to finding corners in a circle.

And with that amount of self-loathing, it's hard to see the people who surround me now being there in the future. Even now, I feel like this negativity and poison that I bring are only driving the ones who care about me further away. I don't blame them, really. I'm like an attention-craving puppy that always needs to hear "You're a good girl, yes you are!" in order to function. Despite numerous pep talks and happy wishes, I'm still the person so consumed by my past failures and unwilling to let go. I still fear that no one wants to be around this failure. This broken, fucked-up individual. I know that they care, but I also know that they can't be coming to put out fires I've gotten myself into again and again.

I suppose I know what it means to have everyone loving you but nobody liking you. Not even yourself.

3 11

1. I hope that hobby is worth the effort you're discounting from our relationship.

2. Counselor was nice. Administrative staff aren't.

3. FGO auntie, your words are still ringing in my head. Screw you for being a presumptuous ass.

4. At the very least, I'm more in control of my emotions. However, I realize I'm just one more unexpected event away from another suicide attempt.

5. I'm tired. But I have to push.

6. I feel so lonely. Not because of classes, heck I'll say I've become accustomed to that. Lonely because there are so many people but still, not enough. Strange.

7. I've lost the ability to English.

8. Linear Algebra is a bitch.

I'm sorry for the word vomit. I'm afraid of being judged and doubted by the people around me but at the same time, I really want someone to know what I'm going through. Does this make an attention-whore? I don't know. I just really want to vent. Not even to feel vindicated.

A year ago, I wouldn't have thought I'd end up going back to school. At that point, the suicidal thoughts were an hourly recurrence, I was throwing up undigested food everyday (I don't want to lose weight, I just can't take that pain in my upper right), I hated repeating subjects and every single thought that wasn't "I'm worried" was "You fucking failure."

It was a horrible 3-year-cycle that I tried to battle with superfluous "Get motivated!" quotes and a crapload of "You have to think positively!" advice. oh and meditation which is really really helpful and I'm glad I stuck to it. I would not go back to medication, medication made me worse, made everything darker, even the silence was deafening. My psychiatrist was more of a preacher than a doctor. I stopped going to her, took matters into my own hands.
Meditate and drawing. It felt good, seriously, like switching from black-and-white vision to coloured after years.


But things went south, my routine died, the bad thoughts amplified tenfold. I missed my exams, it was a half-assed suicidal attempt that I couldn't even go through. I remember telling myself "You can't even commit to dying". But I suppose I didn't commit because well, my parents have already lost one child, they do not need to lose another. So I told myself I could take it, for them at least. They're nice people.


I missed my exams. I was terminated from college. But I was a "special case", and not the good kind, the ultimate opposite of a star in college. I was a/the runt. I wouldn't believe if anyone told me there was a worse off student there. By all accounts, it had to be me. Because everyone else was hardworking and deserved their success. Language barriers made it hard to make friends, the uni I'm in is like Mini-China. I'm not good alone.

Six months ago, I took a leave of absence. I wanted to work to save for college fees and to RECOVER. So I got a well-paying gig in the data science field, learnt a lot. R is a nice language. My salary came late every month until it stopped coming in October. I guess this is normal in start-ups that waste tens of thousands dollars on gadgets and "projecting success". I didn't do my Christmas shopping, didn't go on a vacation, not even a spa, I couldn't do much for my anniversary. But he was nice about it.

I couldn't save for college after all. I didn't want to rely on my parents because the entire failing-college situation is my fault anyway. But I could manage, that's another story. My s/o didn't want me to quit studies, so we devised a plan to make money. I proofread dissertations to save up, it was boring but I'm semi-glad I live in a country where graduate fluency in English is an ugly number. Even the average speakers (like me) get by.

I went back to school this year. A month before, I made sure to meditate 30 minutes a day, exercise and ate yogurt every day (Gut bacteria and something about being related to depression etc) and volunteered at the UNHCR but they were full.

The first two weeks was alright, although I missed my statistics II classes. It was a repeating subject for me. Previous semesters, I used to get high courseworks marks but come finals, I would freak out and start cutting myself. It was funny because I legitimately liked statistics. Maybe not that funny.
Classes aren't bad, but being in school from 8 to 7pm is a little stressful.

It's the 6th week now and I haven't really gone much. Funnily, other subjects are alright. The lecturer knows me and she's really nice-and-scary, she notices when I'm missing but me? I don't fucking know what's going on.

I've been studying and practicing every single day but when I'm about to sleep, my brain goes into overdrive and no amount of "Just let it go" is helping. Head on pillow becomes a trigger for angry thoughts about failing, anxiety about potential failures, "WHY AM I NOT GOING FOR CLASS", so many numbers and a lot of envy and confusion. Yesterday, I got up at 3am and feverishly did practice problems out of anxiety.

I want to do better and a part of me is already. But what the burning hell is wrong with me that I can't just fucking sleep and get up and go for class? Attendance matters over here, i.e. if you've only attended <80% of the classes, they bar you for finals. But that doesn't scare me enough, how did my failing become so fearless?
Few days ago, my sister (she's 6 years elder) announced she got a full scholarship to do her PhD. I'm happy for her, I really am. Her undergrad, masters and PhD have all been paid for and she's hardworking. Of course, because I'm an asshole, the first thought after "I'm happy for her!" was "It's a fucking English degree. I'm doing a double major in CS and Math". That's awful, and I'm an awful person for feeling so envious. She'll be getting her PhD probably before I can even finish my undergrad. Hah. I'm more disappointed in myself than envious.

I want nothing more than to do well and graduate and get the fuck out of this place but it seems like the harder I work, the more I'm being swallowed whole and being forced to stay here longer. It's so stupid and the more I read this, the more conceited and vapid I sound to myself. I could be doing better, but I'm throwing it all away and most of the time, I don't even realize how much I don't give a fuck.

(but I do.)

As for my semester fees, my s/o applied for a personal loan to help cover it but it has been delayed. He didn't want to listen to me when I said that loans take some time to get approved and if he wanted it to be fast, he could go to Bank B instead of Bank A. I did my homework on it, but he went to Bank A anyway, it's been a few days. The deadline for my semester fees payment has passed and I had not saved up enough.

Of all reasons to get terminated from university, I didn't expect "Termination due to nonpayment of fees". Hah.

It would be way easier to just cease to exist than kill myself. killing myself would be exhaustive and in retrospect, I probably won't even go through with it. Non-commital, I guess?

1.7 || 1.8 || 1.9

I spent these three days in a similar, robotic pattern.

I woke up as early as I could afford (which was late anyhow), got yelled at by my mum for the most idiotic of reasons.

It was probably due to menopause anyhow. 

Three days passed in an angry, dark haze. I felt more resentment than ever but with some meditation,

I managed to keep my emotions in check and avoided any explosive outbursts. It wasn't a good three days, really. I ended up occupying my time by packing for KL.

1.6

Time and time again, I'm always left baffled at the speed my uni's admin department works. In November, I emailed my course supervisor to register subjects. I wasn't allowed to do it using the website because I was in "inactive" mode due to my deferment. For two months, I waited for my new timetable but clicking "Check Timetable" always led to an empty table.

Only on Tuesday (6th) I emailed her again and she finally got it done.

Lembap macam siput mengawan.